Who hasn't fantasized about the entire cast of The Jersey Shore being eaten by sharks? I know I have. I have never seen a single episode of The Jersey Shore - I watch the Soup, so I get the highlights. Except for the Kardashians, I can't think of a more deserving group of douchebags to be eaten by sharks. Not that I want innocent killer sharks to be infected with whatever variety of sexually transmitted diseases that are rampant among residents of The Shore, but surely the world would be a better place without all that fist-pumping and Ed Hardy?
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Honestly, that should be the entire body of my review, but after such a lazy review of Æon Flux, I figured I should work a little harder...although it's not like I get paid by the word to entertain my readers. Or get paid AT ALL for that matter...besides, it's going to take a lot of persuading to get the average person to make it past the opening credits of Poolboy. It's not so much the credits that may drive folks away, as Steel Panther's theme song, Donkey Freedom. I've said too much already - I don't want to ruin it.
Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It's like a horror fan's wet dream, right?
Not so fast...it's not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that's not Freddy, it's Fweddy...and why is he wearing Flavor Flav's clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that's why.
While I appreciate the idea of supermodels having toxic booty gas, nappy underarm hair and hidden penises, it's just not enough to base a movie on.
The world's five top supermodels travel to a remote tropical island for a photo shoot, where they get picked off by a serial killer. Is it the annoyingly perky magazine editor? Is it one of the Siegfried and Roy-esque fashion photographers? Or could it be one of the remaining models, secretly harboring a hidden agenda?
This movie was not made for me.
Before Scary Movie, there was Student Bodies.
I certainly don't mean to imply that Student Bodies invented the horror spoof - or even perfected it...both honors that belong to Mel Brooks. But it definitely holds a special place in my heart - because it's just SO FUCKING GOOFY. The rubber chicken? The horsehead bookends? The body count? Malvert?
I brought the newly released DVD with me on my most recent trip home. My sister and i asked my mother if she wanted to watch The Pirate Movie with us. "The one with Johnny Depp?" "No, The Pirate Movie." "The one with Kristy McNichol? Ohhhh....", she replied, almost crestfallen. Well, who doesn't prefer Johnny Depp to that dude from The Blue Lagoon? That's totally beside the point!
Get your damn paws off me, you damn dirty dyke!
That's what I would have said if I was in this movie. Very disappointing for late night Skinemax - well, I would have been disappointed if I could stop laughing.