Horror

28
Jul
2012

Piranhaconda

Posted by knobbygirl

Piranhaconda may be one of the best portmanteau names for a man-eating creature (the best are Sharktopus, of course, and maybe Mansquito), but it sure as hell is NOT one of the best movies about a man-eating creature.

This movie was soooooooo boring. Michael Madsen is usually an un-boring actor, but his portrayal of a Professor hunting the elusive Hawaiian Piranhaconda was a snorefest. I gave zero fucks about WHY he was hunting for Piranhaconda eggs.

17
Jun
2012

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

Who hasn't fantasized about the entire cast of The Jersey Shore being eaten by sharks? I know I have. I have never seen a single episode of The Jersey Shore - I watch the Soup, so I get the highlights. Except for the Kardashians, I can't think of a more deserving group of douchebags to be eaten by sharks. Not that I want innocent killer sharks to be infected with whatever variety of sexually transmitted diseases that are rampant among residents of The Shore, but surely the world would be a better place without all that fist-pumping and Ed Hardy?

30
Apr
2012

Piranha (2010)

Posted by knobbygirl

If I had actually watched Piranha in 3D, I would have been traumatized for life.

It's not like I'm a pussy or something...as far as movies go, I am the complete opposite of a pussy. (Wait - is the opposite of a pussy...a dick? Am I a movie dick???) Anyway,Piranha makes Saw look like Romper Room. But that's not the traumatizing part. If you've seen this movie, you know EXACTLY which scene I'm talking about. If you haven't seen it, maybe I won't ruin it for you. Then again, maybe I will...because I AM kind of a dick.

01
Apr
2012

Frankenhood

Posted by knobbygirl

I had high hopes for this film when it started out with Charlie Murphy as a mad scientist named "Franklin", but they all went out the window when he got electrocuted 10 minutes into the film.

23
Dec
2011

The Midnight Meat Train

Posted by knobbygirl

I DVRed this film based on the title alone. I figured that since it wasn't on Skinemax - it wasn't soft core porn, but since it was on SyFy, I was risking missing some gore. I shouldn't have worried...there was a considerable amount of gore left in the film.

29
Sep
2011

Stan Helsing

Posted by knobbygirl

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It's like a horror fan's wet dream, right?

Not so fast...it's not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that's not Freddy, it's Fweddy...and why is he wearing Flavor Flav's clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that's why.

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