Horror

26
May
2013

The Haunted Trailer

Posted by knobbygirl

Not enough farts. Definitely needed more farts.

Just kidding, there were plenty of farts in The Haunted Trailer - farts in practically every scene. I love farts. My best friend also loves farts. (When we get together with some Burger King Onion Rings...watch out!) My eight year old son loves farts, probably because he is eight years old, but also because he is my son. Really, who DOESN'T love farts? If you say you don't love farts, you're LYING. Farts make the world go around.

11
May
2013

The Lords of Salem

Posted by knobbygirl

As the end credits rolled, I stood up and surveyed the emptying theater and said, "What the fuck?" Then my husband said "What the fuck?" And my best friend said "What the fuck?" And her man said "Yeah, what the fuck?"

13
Jan
2013

Zombies Vs. Strippers

Posted by knobbygirl

We had a difficult decision tonight...Zombies Vs. Strippers or The Tale of the Voodoo Prostitute. I know...how on earth did we choose?

Zombies Vs. Strippers is about a zombie invasion in a strip club, not to be confused with Zombie Strippers, a movie in which the strippers are actual zombies. Other than that, the films are pretty similar...titties and zombies, zombies and titties.

19
Dec
2012

The 12 Disasters of Christmas

Posted by knobbygirl

Of course, everyone knows that the world is ending in a few short days...on December 21, 2012. How do we know that it is ending? Because that's when the Mayan Calendar supposedly ends, so of course, that must be the absolute end of the world...as opposed to when they basically just ran out of room on their stone tablet. (In any case, if the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, how did they not see the Spaniards coming? Riddle me that, Batman!)

27
Oct
2012

Bigfoot

Posted by knobbygirl

I saw this movie so long ago, I don't even know where to start. Alice Cooper gets killed by Bigfoot. That's pretty much all you need to know about this movie to make you want to watch it. (That's not a spoiler - it was in the commercial.)

04
Aug
2012

Rubber

Posted by knobbygirl

We didn't intend to watch this movie. I was scrolling through the guide one Saturday night, looking for something to watch and I paused on Rubber long enough to read the description. (Killer tire? Seriously?) The picture-in-picture indeed showed a tire rolling through the desert, so I clicked over, curiosity killed the cat...

28
Jul
2012

Piranhaconda

Posted by knobbygirl

Piranhaconda may be one of the best portmanteau names for a man-eating creature (the best are Sharktopus, of course, and maybe Mansquito), but it sure as hell is NOT one of the best movies about a man-eating creature.

This movie was soooooooo boring. Michael Madsen is usually an un-boring actor, but his portrayal of a Professor hunting the elusive Hawaiian Piranhaconda was a snorefest. I gave zero fucks about WHY he was hunting for Piranhaconda eggs.

17
Jun
2012

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

Who hasn't fantasized about the entire cast of The Jersey Shore being eaten by sharks? I know I have. I have never seen a single episode of The Jersey Shore - I watch the Soup, so I get the highlights. Except for the Kardashians, I can't think of a more deserving group of douchebags to be eaten by sharks. Not that I want innocent killer sharks to be infected with whatever variety of sexually transmitted diseases that are rampant among residents of The Shore, but surely the world would be a better place without all that fist-pumping and Ed Hardy?

30
Apr
2012

Piranha (2010)

Posted by knobbygirl

If I had actually watched Piranha in 3D, I would have been traumatized for life.

It's not like I'm a pussy or something...as far as movies go, I am the complete opposite of a pussy. (Wait - is the opposite of a pussy...a dick? Am I a movie dick???) Anyway,Piranha makes Saw look like Romper Room. But that's not the traumatizing part. If you've seen this movie, you know EXACTLY which scene I'm talking about. If you haven't seen it, maybe I won't ruin it for you. Then again, maybe I will...because I AM kind of a dick.

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