Horror

13
Aug
2017

5 Headed Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

In case you're wondering, there's no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie - the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense...because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads...but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out of its butt. Literally, the shark's 5th head is its butthole. You can't make this shit up.

08
Aug
2017

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Posted by knobbygirl

After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge.

There's not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up in Switzerland and then drop you in Australia. Sure...why not? It's a great plot device.

05
Aug
2017

Trailer Park Shark

Posted by knobbygirl

That Tara Reid, she sure does have bad luck with sharks.

Tara Reid isn't the only C-list celeb on board. The REAL star is Thomas Ian Nicholas, coincidentally Tara Reid's boyfriend in American Pie. He's the asskicking trailer park dude, who fixes everything with duct tape. Also, we've got Mr. Belding (the principal from Saved by the Bell) as the evil land developer that orchestrates the levee explosion that leads to the shark invasion of the trailer park. Yeah...a shark (singular) invades a flooded trailer park. The shark also has electric powers like an eel. Okay....

27
Mar
2017

Leprechaun: Origins

Posted by knobbygirl

I should've turned off the TV when the first thing on the screen was "WWE Studios."

...but I didn't. I dutifully sat there, waiting for a single redeeming moment in this film, but all I was left with were questions.

1. I thought this was supposed to be related to the original Leprechaun series? As far as I can tell, there is no connection to original seies, other than the concept of a "killer leprechaun." I am guessing that it is intended as a complete reboot, with no mention of the original?

27
Jul
2016

Dam Sharks

Posted by knobbygirl

That's not a typo folks...those damn sharks are building dams...out of damn human bodies.

I don't even understand...how did sharks get into the river? How do they survive is freshwater - don't sharks live in the ocean? Why are they building a dam out of corpses? I should know by now...the answers do not matter. Just the sharks matter.

23
May
2016

Zoombies

Posted by knobbygirl

Exactly what you fucking think it is. Zombie. Zoo. Animals. Thanks to The Asylum, for going where no film has gone before.

It starts when the capuchin monkeys come down with a nasty virus, turn into zomb-onkeys and go beserk. Of course, they escape and start zombifying the rest of the zoo population. Zombie giraffes tearing folks limb from limb should be horrifying, but I just couldn't stop laughing. The one truly horrifying "zoombie" was the Koala. Koalas are just so cute and so...chill. Zombie Koalas are NOT cute and definitely NOT chill.

14
May
2016

Getting Schooled

Posted by knobbygirl

The Breakfast Club meets Apocalypse Now - how's that for a fucking amazing tagline?

The people who brought us The Haunted Trailer were back at Frightmare with another locally made horror film. I was tentatively afraid that Getting Schooled would be a rehash of Haunted Trailer, but it was totally different in tone and content. Lucky Chucky is no one-trick pony. Yes, it's horror and yes, it's funny...but there wasn't a single fart joke in the whole film. Not even a church house squeaker.

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