Sharks

13
Aug
2017

5 Headed Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

In case you're wondering, there's no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie - the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense...because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads...but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out of its butt. Literally, the shark's 5th head is its butthole. You can't make this shit up.

08
Aug
2017

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Posted by knobbygirl

After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge.

There's not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up in Switzerland and then drop you in Australia. Sure...why not? It's a great plot device.

05
Aug
2017

Trailer Park Shark

Posted by knobbygirl

That Tara Reid, she sure does have bad luck with sharks.

Tara Reid isn't the only C-list celeb on board. The REAL star is Thomas Ian Nicholas, coincidentally Tara Reid's boyfriend in American Pie. He's the asskicking trailer park dude, who fixes everything with duct tape. Also, we've got Mr. Belding (the principal from Saved by the Bell) as the evil land developer that orchestrates the levee explosion that leads to the shark invasion of the trailer park. Yeah...a shark (singular) invades a flooded trailer park. The shark also has electric powers like an eel. Okay....

27
Jul
2016

Dam Sharks

Posted by knobbygirl

That's not a typo folks...those damn sharks are building dams...out of damn human bodies.

I don't even understand...how did sharks get into the river? How do they survive is freshwater - don't sharks live in the ocean? Why are they building a dam out of corpses? I should know by now...the answers do not matter. Just the sharks matter.

01
Aug
2015

3 Headed Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

If two heads are better than one, are three heads better than two?

So...the 3 Headed Shark is angered by ocean pollution, but it eats the sea garbage, which drives it insane and it starts attacking. This movie makes no fucking sense. It is also somehow a sequel to 2 Headed Shark Attack, but HOW??? There are none of the same characters and no relationship is implied between the 2 Headed and 3 Headed Sharks. I need continuity, dammit!

22
Jul
2015

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Posted by knobbygirl

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now...Kolossus.

Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it's made out of meat? It's like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon to check out the slices...What a coincidence that this giant robot happened to be released near Chernobyl at the exact time that Mega Shark needs a good ass kicking?

13
Sep
2014

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Posted by knobbygirl

Maybe I'm too snobby, but I wasn't able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson's fingernails are clearly bare...but in closeups of "her hands" operating the controls - the nails are black. Disgusting!

The Mega Shark is identified as an extinct prehistoric beast called a Megalodon. Ancient mariners feared a creature called a Kraken - traditionally depicted as a giant octopus. So why isn't the film called Megalodon vs. Kraken? That would've been a much cooler name for this shitty movie...

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