Killer Animals

13
Aug
2017

5 Headed Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

In case you're wondering, there's no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie - the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense...because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads...but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out of its butt. Literally, the shark's 5th head is its butthole. You can't make this shit up.

08
Aug
2017

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Posted by knobbygirl

After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge.

There's not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up in Switzerland and then drop you in Australia. Sure...why not? It's a great plot device.

05
Aug
2017

Trailer Park Shark

Posted by knobbygirl

That Tara Reid, she sure does have bad luck with sharks.

Tara Reid isn't the only C-list celeb on board. The REAL star is Thomas Ian Nicholas, coincidentally Tara Reid's boyfriend in American Pie. He's the asskicking trailer park dude, who fixes everything with duct tape. Also, we've got Mr. Belding (the principal from Saved by the Bell) as the evil land developer that orchestrates the levee explosion that leads to the shark invasion of the trailer park. Yeah...a shark (singular) invades a flooded trailer park. The shark also has electric powers like an eel. Okay....

27
Jul
2016

Dam Sharks

Posted by knobbygirl

That's not a typo folks...those damn sharks are building dams...out of damn human bodies.

I don't even understand...how did sharks get into the river? How do they survive is freshwater - don't sharks live in the ocean? Why are they building a dam out of corpses? I should know by now...the answers do not matter. Just the sharks matter.

23
May
2016

Zoombies

Posted by knobbygirl

Exactly what you fucking think it is. Zombie. Zoo. Animals. Thanks to The Asylum, for going where no film has gone before.

It starts when the capuchin monkeys come down with a nasty virus, turn into zomb-onkeys and go beserk. Of course, they escape and start zombifying the rest of the zoo population. Zombie giraffes tearing folks limb from limb should be horrifying, but I just couldn't stop laughing. The one truly horrifying "zoombie" was the Koala. Koalas are just so cute and so...chill. Zombie Koalas are NOT cute and definitely NOT chill.

13
Sep
2014

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Posted by knobbygirl

Maybe I'm too snobby, but I wasn't able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson's fingernails are clearly bare...but in closeups of "her hands" operating the controls - the nails are black. Disgusting!

The Mega Shark is identified as an extinct prehistoric beast called a Megalodon. Ancient mariners feared a creature called a Kraken - traditionally depicted as a giant octopus. So why isn't the film called Megalodon vs. Kraken? That would've been a much cooler name for this shitty movie...

21
Aug
2014

Sharknado 2 : The Second One

Posted by knobbygirl

I watched Sharknado 2 several weeks ago and as excited as I was to sit down and watch it - after watching it, it was hard to muster enough excitement to write about it. All of the joy has been sucked out of writing about crappy SyFy movies now that they have become a mainstream pop culture phenomenon. If Matt Lauer and Al Roker get to kill sharks in your movie, it's fucking mainstream as shit.

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