I've been MIA for quite a while, haven't I? I've been watching movies, but most haven't left me with anything to say. I've got half written reviews of the 2nd Hobbit movie and The Winter Soldier...and I couldn't even get started on Thor 2. Well, Days of Future Past gave me a lot to think about...
Even though it's only February, I'm going to go ahead and call it - Sponge Out of Water is the most terrifying film of the year. Why? It has a fucking talking dolphin in it.
I fucking hate dolphins. They are the Bill Cosby of the ocean world, trying to lure unwitting swimmers into their underwater rape caves. Dolphins have NO business in a children's film. It's a small consolation that the hellspawn dolphin appears to have been voiced by Tim Curry, although I could be wrong.
I didn't realize how out of touch I am with the film world until thus weekend. I thought that this was opening weekend for Night at the Museum 3, but turns out it actually opened before Xmas. Doh!
Why was he in the fucking hole? The movie never fucking explained why he was in the fucking hole at Nagasaki. What the fucking fuck?
Sorry for all the fucks, but stuff like that really bothers me. Of course, I could think of nothing else during the whole film, waiting for it to come up again and it never did. They might be saving it for a future film, but the mid-credits sequence set the stage for Days of Future Passed. Maybe since there's time travel in that film, we'll see how he ended up in the fucking hole?
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep watching crappy Lifetime biopics? Am I getting so close to middle age that I just can't stop myself?
I'd like to say that I never watched Saved by the Bell when it was originally on, but as a child of the 80s, it was hard to avoid. As cartoons faded away, all there was to watch for a kid without cable was stuff like Saved by the Bell. At least I can say I never experienced a "Zack Attack".
Maybe I'm too snobby, but I wasn't able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson's fingernails are clearly bare...but in closeups of "her hands" operating the controls - the nails are black. Disgusting!
The Mega Shark is identified as an extinct prehistoric beast called a Megalodon. Ancient mariners feared a creature called a Kraken - traditionally depicted as a giant octopus. So why isn't the film called Megalodon vs. Kraken? That would've been a much cooler name for this shitty movie...
Robocroc takes place in a magical place where a zoo, recreational lake, water park and ATV track are all within walking, actually swimming distance. Where is this magical place? I want to vacation there!
I watched Sharknado 2 several weeks ago and as excited as I was to sit down and watch it - after watching it, it was hard to muster enough excitement to write about it. All of the joy has been sucked out of writing about crappy SyFy movies now that they have become a mainstream pop culture phenomenon. If Matt Lauer and Al Roker get to kill sharks in your movie, it's fucking mainstream as shit.
A horror movie about bloodsucking fish...starring Shannen Doherty and Christopher Lloyd...made by The Asylum...on Animal Planet?
I know - I'm confused, too. Since when does Animal Planet show movies? Oh yeah...I forgot about Mermaids: The Body Found. Plus, they run a Puppy Super Bowl...it's not like we're talking about a bastion of hard-hitting journalism.