29
Jan
2016

Tusk

Posted by knobbygirl

This movie is so fucking weird and fucked up. Of course, it's a horror movie....but it's also a comedy...and it's also a mindfuck. Tusk is like a new genre of movie - Mindfuck Fu.

The first Mindfuck is not so much the subject matter - it's fucked up to be sure, but the real mindfuck is that it's not sexual. Of course, we wanted the motivation to be sexual - but nope. The motivation was guilt.

01
Aug
2015

3 Headed Shark Attack

Posted by knobbygirl

If two heads are better than one, are three heads better than two?

So...the 3 Headed Shark is angered by ocean pollution, but it eats the sea garbage, which drives it insane and it starts attacking. This movie makes no fucking sense. It is also somehow a sequel to 2 Headed Shark Attack, but HOW??? There are none of the same characters and no relationship is implied between the 2 Headed and 3 Headed Sharks. I need continuity, dammit!

22
Jul
2015

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Posted by knobbygirl

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now...Kolossus.

Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it's made out of meat? It's like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon to check out the slices...What a coincidence that this giant robot happened to be released near Chernobyl at the exact time that Mega Shark needs a good ass kicking?

21
Jul
2015

Jurassic World

Posted by knobbygirl

I'll spare you the lame jokes about how this summer's crop of blockbusters is a throwback to the 90s - dinosaurs, terminators and vacations, oh my! (OK, maybe just one...)

23
Jun
2015

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Posted by knobbygirl

I don't remember much of 1997, but I know I somehow missed watching The Lost World. I think I've seen bits and pieces in passing, but I've never sat down and watched it intentionally...

Plan B...or in this case, Island B. Of course, there's a second island, where they've bred the dinosaurs and allowed them to form their ecosystem since things went to shit in the first movie.

31
May
2015

Jurassic Park

Posted by knobbygirl

Jurassic Park made me start smoking. True story.

I clearly remember going to see Jurassic Park back in High School with my mom and sister (at the Tomball Cinema 7, no less). I ran into the vice principal's son (who I later liaised with sadly and briefly), and he gave me a clove cigarette. That was the beginning of the end. I secreted it home in my pocket, lit incense and smoked it in my room. It was horrible, so of course, I later went to a Head Shop and bought a pack. Thanks, Steven Spielberg.

26
May
2015

Thor: The Dark World

Posted by knobbygirl

I started writing this review last summer, when I originally watched Thor 2 on cable...my thoughts will be briefer, but possibly more favorable than when I originally watched it.

This film was made for the ladies, right? A shirtless viking god, pining over the nerdy scientist girl, even though he has a hottie asskicker at home, who would literally die for him. This is every straight woman's fantasy. We don't want to be tied up and beaten, like that 50 Shades bullshit. We just want the hot guy to pick us, preferably while shirtless.

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