31
May
2015

Jurassic Park

Posted by knobbygirl

Jurassic Park made me start smoking. True story.

I clearly remember going to see Jurassic Park back in High School with my mom and sister (at the Tomball Cinema 7, no less). I ran into the vice principal's son (who I later liaised with sadly and briefly), and he gave me a clove cigarette. That was the beginning of the end. I secreted it home in my pocket, lit incense and smoked it in my room. It was horrible, so of course, I later went to a Head Shop and bought a pack. Thanks, Steven Spielberg.

26
May
2015

Thor: The Dark World

Posted by knobbygirl

I started writing this review last summer, when I originally watched Thor 2 on cable...my thoughts will be briefer, but possibly more favorable than when I originally watched it.

This film was made for the ladies, right? A shirtless viking god, pining over the nerdy scientist girl, even though he has a hottie asskicker at home, who would literally die for him. This is every straight woman's fantasy. We don't want to be tied up and beaten, like that 50 Shades bullshit. We just want the hot guy to pick us, preferably while shirtless.

25
Apr
2015

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Posted by knobbygirl

I've been MIA for quite a while, haven't I? I've been watching movies, but most haven't left me with anything to say. I've got half written reviews of the 2nd Hobbit movie and The Winter Soldier...and I couldn't even get started on Thor 2. Well, Days of Future Past gave me a lot to think about...

24
Feb
2015

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Posted by knobbygirl

Even though it's only February, I'm going to go ahead and call it - Sponge Out of Water is the most terrifying film of the year. Why? It has a fucking talking dolphin in it.

I fucking hate dolphins. They are the Bill Cosby of the ocean world, trying to lure unwitting swimmers into their underwater rape caves. Dolphins have NO business in a children's film. It's a small consolation that the hellspawn dolphin appears to have been voiced by Tim Curry, although I could be wrong.

15
Nov
2014

The Wolverine

Posted by knobbygirl

Why was he in the fucking hole? The movie never fucking explained why he was in the fucking hole at Nagasaki. What the fucking fuck?

Sorry for all the fucks, but stuff like that really bothers me. Of course, I could think of nothing else during the whole film, waiting for it to come up again and it never did. They might be saving it for a future film, but the mid-credits sequence set the stage for Days of Future Passed. Maybe since there's time travel in that film, we'll see how he ended up in the fucking hole?

18
Oct
2014

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story

Posted by knobbygirl

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep watching crappy Lifetime biopics? Am I getting so close to middle age that I just can't stop myself?

I'd like to say that I never watched Saved by the Bell when it was originally on, but as a child of the 80s, it was hard to avoid. As cartoons faded away, all there was to watch for a kid without cable was stuff like Saved by the Bell. At least I can say I never experienced a "Zack Attack".

13
Sep
2014

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Posted by knobbygirl

Maybe I'm too snobby, but I wasn't able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson's fingernails are clearly bare...but in closeups of "her hands" operating the controls - the nails are black. Disgusting!

The Mega Shark is identified as an extinct prehistoric beast called a Megalodon. Ancient mariners feared a creature called a Kraken - traditionally depicted as a giant octopus. So why isn't the film called Megalodon vs. Kraken? That would've been a much cooler name for this shitty movie...

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