23
Dec
2011

The Midnight Meat Train

Posted by knobbygirl

I DVRed this film based on the title alone. I figured that since it wasn't on Skinemax - it wasn't soft core porn, but since it was on SyFy, I was risking missing some gore. I shouldn't have worried...there was a considerable amount of gore left in the film.

16
Dec
2011

Machete

Posted by knobbygirl

This is a hard review to write. I wanted so much to love Machete. I would have been content with liking Machete, but mostly I was just annoyed at Machete...and Robert Rodriguez. OH, it's painful to admit that I'm disappointed in one of my favorite directors.

I wasn't expecting a serious action film - I was expecting exploitation...mex-ploitation? Rodriguez was right on the money for mex-ploitation, but parts of it were so boring and so confusing. I wasn't expecting to be so confused by the plot - I don't remember being this confused since Superfly.

08
Dec
2011

Toy Story 3

Posted by knobbygirl

The first time I saw Toy Story 3, I totally started crying when Andy finally handed Woody over to Bonnie. Even now, roughly 537 viewings later, I still get all weepy at the end...so weepy that I get paranoid that I need to take a pregnancy test or something.

29
Sep
2011

Stan Helsing

Posted by knobbygirl

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It's like a horror fan's wet dream, right?

Not so fast...it's not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that's not Freddy, it's Fweddy...and why is he wearing Flavor Flav's clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that's why.

21
Sep
2011

Return to Oz

Posted by knobbygirl

There are few things scarier to a child than forced medical procedures - anything that requires being strapped down is bad, bad news. Even before I was aware of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, I knew that shock therapy was fucked up.

Far scarier than anything that happened in Oz, Auntie Em dropping Dorothy off at the asylum to get her brains scrambled FUCKED MY SHIT UP. Nevermind the fact that Auntie Em was played by Carrie's fucked up mom.

10
Sep
2011

The Karate Dog

Posted by knobbygirl

So this isn't the long lost sequel to The Karate Kid movies?

Pat Morita taught his dog karate...but that's where the similarity ends. No Mr. Miyagi here, he's playing a Chinese dude named Chun Li. (Chun Li? Really???) Cho Cho the dog kicks a lot of ass via bad CGI, but it's more a Matrix rip-off than wax-on/wax-off. Also, the dog talks and his voice sounds a lot like Chevy Chase. It IS Chevy Chase. I guess this is the best he could do before Community brought him back to relevancy.

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