Bloodsuckers

Year: 
2005
Rated: 
R
Genre: 
Sci Fi Channel, Vampires
Director: 
Matthew Hastings
Writer(s): 
Matthew Hastings
Actor(s): 
Michael DeLuise
Michael Ironside
Joe Lando
Runtime: 
99
Rating: 
One BOB
Review: 

The Sci Fi Channel strikes again...with another cheesy B movie so bad it's almost good.

Note that I said almost. Yes, this time around, the Sci Fi premiere of the week is just plain bad. Jarringly bad. When I use the phrase "jarringly bad," I am referring to the strange sensation of watching a movie so boring that your mind begins to wander, only to be lured back in by a "what the fuck" moment so bizarre that you wonder if perhaps you had misjudged the movie and maybe it had something to offer after all. But then you watch a little closer and realize that nothing interesting has happened at all and that in fact, you had imagined the aforementioned "what the fuck" moment entirely. Yes, it's possible that you thought something cool happened because you were so spaced out that you didn't notice that your husband may very well have changed the channel in the middle of the movie, because that is the only explanation for the displacement experienced during viewing.

Or maybe I am totally over thinking my continued commitment to watch movies that I know will suck. At least Mansquito had an interesting title going for it. Bloodsuckers is one of the most generic titles possible for a vampire flick. A better title may have been "Space Vampires Must Die!" or "Vampaliens." Come on Sci Fi Channel - I know you can do better than that. Come on - Mansquito!

Yes, this movie is about Space Vampires. Space Vampires and a group of Space Vampire Hunters. Total lack of creativity caused the writers of this film to refer to one of the species of vampires as "Voorhees" - and another species is referred to as "Leatherfaces." While the Leatherfaces quite expectedly wear masks made out of human skin, I could find no reason for the moniker Voorhees - it's not like they wear hockey masks or anything. In fact, they kind of looked like middle aged, gay punk rockers. Maybe they should have been called Rottens?

The only semi-amusing plot development in the whole film was the peta-like Vampire Rights group behind all the ambush attacks. This group believed that vampires had a right to exist in the universe and that humans had no right to eradicate them. Ha! If vampires *did* exist, I have no doubt that in these so-called enlightened times, such a group would definitely spring into existence.

Oh yeah, did I mention MICHAEL IRONSIDE is in it? The king of the badasses co-starring in a decidedly un-badass movie. Even more bizarre, I couldn't tell if he was wearing make-up or he has just aged really badly. He kind of looked like Jan-Michael Vincent. And not in a good way.

"The universe was filled with intelligent life...most of it VAMPIRIC." - Damien Underwood (Dominic Zamprogna)