5 Headed Shark Attack

Year: 
2017
Rated: 
TV-14
Genre: 
Sharks!
Director: 
Nico De Leon
Writer(s): 
Jacob Cooney
Bill Hanstock
Stephen Meier
Daniel Lawlor
Sean P. Hale
Actor(s): 
Chris Bruno
Nikki Howard
Lindsay Sawyer
Jeffrey Holsman
Chris Costanzo
Runtime: 
90
Rating: 
One BOB
Review: 

In case you're wondering, there's no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie - the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense...because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads...but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out of its butt. Literally, the shark's 5th head is its butthole. You can't make this shit up.

Sadly, there are not even any C-list stars to bear witness to the carnage. The closest is Chris Bruno, who I vaguely remember from a brief stint on All My Children in the 90s. (Don't judge me.) I'm not saying that I only watch these movies to see "celebs" debase themselves by running from mutant sharks...but I'm not saying that it isn't.

There's really not a lot to say about this movie...EXCEPT that they try to use dolphin recordings to scare the shark, because dolphins are the only thing that scare sharks. SEE! I fucking told you! Dolphins are the most fucking horrifying creatures in the ocean! Even a Great White Shark with a shark-face for its butthole is absolutely terrified of dolphins!