Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

Year: 
2013
Genre: 
SyFy
Director: 
Terry Ingram
Writer(s): 
Peter Sullivan
Actor(s): 
Erik Estrada
Nicole Muñoz
Julia Benson
Bishop Brigante
Samuel Patrick Chu
Rating: 
Three BOBs
Review: 

Chupacabras...Erik Estrada...Texas landmarks...it's like the SyFy Channel is making movies just for me!

The SyFy formula is in full effect. Erik Estrada plays a widowed DEA Agent. His estranged son is a gangbanger and his daughter is a sullen teenager. At least he doesn't buy her a chupacabra as a graduation present. His daughter encounters the chupacabras during a high school makeout party, in which a chupacabra bites off a guy's DICK. (You should have heard my eight year old son cackle like a goon during this scene...I bet he never pisses outside again, though.)

The RABID chupacabras - yes, they were attacking because they were rabid - looked like a cross between hyenas and hairless rats. In some scenes, they were as big as German Shepherds, but in other scenes, they were no bigger than the Taco Bell chihuahua. I'm guessing that was so they could kill one in a microwave, Gremlins-style? The lack of wings was a total disappointment. Chupacabras are supposed to fly, dammit!

My kids LOVED this movie...even more than Flying Monkeys. My mother-in-law enjoyed it as well, although I was little grossed out when she said she would STILL do Erik Estrada. Maybe it was because he was riding a motorcycle like in his CHiPs days? Speaking of, the motorcycle-riding while being pulled behind a Semi in CHiPs was more realistic than the green screen motorcycle riding in this movie. Sometimes, the old ways are best...

After the chupacabras chased the cast into the Alamo, they started breaking display cases and using muskets against the chupacabras. Obviously, that didn't work, so they decided to just blow the fuck out of the Alamo. Yeah, that happened. First SyFy blows the faces off of Mount Rushmore and now they blew up the Alamo. What's next? Filling the Grand Canyon with cement?

So I guess we're going to San Antonio for vacation this summer, so my kids can see the real Alamo. I'm glad that chupacabras have awakened a thirst for Texas history in my children.

"Now THAT's a knife..." - Davy Crockett Tour Guide