Snakes on a Train

Year: 
2006
Rated: 
R
Genre: 
Snakes using Mass Transit
Director: 
Peter Mervis
Writer(s): 
Eric Forsberg
Actor(s): 
A.J. Castro
Julia Ruiz
Giovanni Bejarano
Al Galvez
Amelia Jackson-Gray
Runtime: 
91
Rating: 
One BOB
Review: 

I do not like snakes on my plane. I do not like snakes on my train. I do not like snakes in my mouth. I do not like snakes biting me down south. I do not like snakes - one little bit. I do not like this movie either - it sucks total shit.

Snakes on a Train is The Asylum's attempt at cashing in on the media frenzy that preceded Snakes on a Plane. Why not, right? I can't wait to see what method of mass transit is attacked by snakes next. Snakes on a Bus? Snakes on a Boat? Snakes in the HOV Lane?

I kept waiting for a hero to show up, but there was no Samuel L. Jackson type in sight. I guess they didn't really need one. The first snakes were tiny - they looked like garter snakes. And they didn't bite, they burrow into your skin and slither around just under the surface. I don't know what the snakes were doing in there, but there was a lot of green slime vomit. Then a ball python appeared - slightly more impressive. By the last 20 minutes, the snakes were fucking anaconda size and eating people's faces. It ate a 10 year old! And then a snake at the train. (That's not a typo - a snake ate the entire train.) Fuck this movie.

I don't know what's worse - a big budget Hollywood movie about snakes that's bad or a low budget Indie movie about snakes that's bad. To me, budget doesn't matter, as long as I'm not bored. Unfortunately, I was bored as shit.

"You are full of snakes. they want to come out." - Brujo (A.J. Castro)