Ethan Maniquis
Robert Rodriguez
Robert Rodriguez
Álvaro Rodríguez
Danny Trejo
Jessica Alba
Robert De Niro
Steven Seagal
Michelle Rodriguez
Two BOBs

This is a hard review to write. I wanted so much to love Machete. I would have been content with liking Machete, but mostly I was just annoyed at Machete...and Robert Rodriguez. OH, it's painful to admit that I'm disappointed in one of my favorite directors.

I wasn't expecting a serious action film - I was expecting exploitation...mex-ploitation? Rodriguez was right on the money for mex-ploitation, but parts of it were so boring and so confusing. I wasn't expecting to be so confused by the plot - I don't remember being this confused since Superfly.

I literally laughed out loud at scene of Machete attempting to assasinate Robert De Niro's character. My husband was looking at me funny and I said Taxi Driver and he was like, "I know. So?" I was all like, "Nevermind..."

So Jessica Alba is now one of Robert Rodriguez's favorite actresses. Am I going to have to tolerate her horrible overacting in every movie that Rodriguez makes now? She was not believable as a INS Agent. She was not believable working out. She wasn't believable sleeping. She wasn't even believable cooking! Her nude scenes were not even real - they were all computer generated. Twelve years ago, I predicted that her future held only shampoo commercials. Obviously, I was dead wrong...but I can't for the life of me figure out WHY.

Lindsay Lohan...really? Whatever acting skills she possessed as a child are long gone. Her looks are also long gone, as is any reason any director should hire her ever again. Luckily, she was only in the film for 3-4 minutes - half her scenes were done by a body double. Why isn't she dead yet?

Steven Seagal? I thought he was a state trooper or a border enforcer or something?

It wasn't all bad...I really enjoyed watching Machete get violent. My favorite part was when he used that guy's intestines as a bungee cord to escape from the hospital. It kinda reminded me of Hannibal. I also liked his one liners and the fact that he banged every female in the movie, or at least I think he did? They cut away just as sexy time was getting started. Was it a stylistic choice? Or were the actresses too scared to let Machete hump them?

The sequel - Machete Kills - is in the works. (Although I hope Sin City 2 gets finished first!) Not bad for a film that began as a fake trailer. Hobo with a Shotgun also got made into a film and I read somewhere that Eli Roth is working on bringing Thanksgiving to the big screen. Why not? Thanksgiving is one of the single most horrifying holidays wait, that's Easter. We needs a good Easter horror movie...the whole holiday is based on a man coming back from the dead!

"Machete don't text." - Machete (Danny Trejo)