Princess of Mars

Year: 
2009
Genre: 
Sy Fy?
Director: 
Mark Atkins
Writer(s): 
Edgar Rice Burroughs
Mark Atkins
Actor(s): 
Antonio Sabato Jr.
Traci Lords
Matt Lasky
Chacko Vadaketh
Mitchell Gordon
Runtime: 
93
Rating: 
One BOB
Review: 

I doubt that this is the first time that Traci Lords has sprayed someone with her piss on film.

It was a cheap shot, I'm sorry Traci. After reading her autobiography, I actually kind of like her...although that's not the main reason I subjected myself to watching her drool over Antonio Sabato Jr. while dressed as Princess Leia (sans cinnamon buns) in Princess of Mars. I wanted to be the one drooling over Antonio Sabato Jr.

I put up with a lot to admire the often shirtless Antonio. I even watched his reality dating show, My Antonio...he's a lot easier on the eyes than Flavor Flav or Bret Michaels, that's for sure. I was not disappointed -Antonio spent the majority of his time as John Carter very shirtless and glistening. John Carter...that name sounds familiar....maybe because it's the name of a film coming out next year. Yes, The Asylum has beat Hollywood by 3 whole years this time! I had no idea that either film was related to Edgar Rice Burroughs' stories - I figured they were just more Avatar type planetary travel/alien love story nonsense.

I was confused for a bit until I figured out that the Princess of Mars is living on a different Mars than the one in my solar system. Or maybe I was confused because I wasn't really paying very much attention to the "plot." I was confused enough by the scenes in Afghanistan, which coincidentally looks alot like Mars, which coincidentally, looks a lot like where the crocosaurus came from.

The movie gets one BOB for Antonio Sabato Jr., because he looks hot - even drenched in Traci Lords' urine. The movie itself would have gotten zero if he wasn't starring. I'm guessing there'll be a sequel, since the ending left it wide open and John Carter comes out in 2012.

 

"That was her piss jar!" - Tars Tarkas (Matt Lasky)