Never Too Young to Die

Year: 
1986
Rated: 
R
Genre: 
Unclassifiable
Director: 
Gil Bettman
Writer(s): 
Steven Paul
Anthony Foutz
Actor(s): 
John Stamos
Gene Simmons
Vanity
George Lazenby
Robert Englund
Runtime: 
92
Rating: 
ZERO BOBs
Review: 

Goddamn, this sucked.

This is a pointless, horrible film. John Stamos plays a high school gymnast, turned spy due to his father's murder. He is out to get his father's killer, Ragnar. Ragnar is a hermaphrodite played by none other than Gene Simmons. GENE SIMMONS! Ragnar looks like a cross between Divine, Cher and Frank N. Furter and likes to kill women by ramming his steel fingernail into their most private parts. Um, yeah...at least Gene sticks his famous tongue out a lot.

Though John Stamos' mullet is quite glorious, it is not glorious enough to save this shitty film. His partner/love interest is Vanity - yes, that Vanity, Prince's Vanity. She actually has to *seduce* Uncle Jesse - what the fuck?!?!? No wonder he liked to hang out with the Olsen twins so much - he's GAY.

I checked the IMDB to see what other crap the director, Gil Bettman has churned out...seems like he hasn't done much except direct episodes of The Fall Guy, Knight Rider and Automan. That explains the suckage inhernet in this film. Any connection to Lee Majors is BAD! The evil taint of the man who starred in The Norseman infects anyone who comes in contact with him!

Though a stinking pile of feces...it wasn't quite bad enough to stop watching. I like to torture myself, don't I?

"You really ARE part woman!" - Lance Stargrove (John Stamos) to a whimpering Ragnar (Gene Simmons)