X-Men

Year: 
2000
Rated: 
PG-13
Genre: 
Comic Adaptation
Director: 
Bryan Singer
Writer(s): 
David Hayter
Actor(s): 
Hugh Jackman
Patrick Stewart
Ian McKellen
Famke Janssen
Halle Berry
Runtime: 
104
Rating: 
Four BOBs
Review: 

I enjoyed the hell out of it, even though I have never read an X-Men comic in my life.

It was Wolverine's tight boot cuts. It had to be. That is where that 57.5 Million dollars came from last weekend. I admit it - I like dirty men. No, actually, I like dirty-looking men, that actually do bathe once a day. To be sure, there are some that cultivate that 'dirty' look. Shaving with a #1 guard to get that George Michael look, taking their clothes off of the hanger and crumpling them before wearing, putting enough gunk in their hair to make it look like it hasn't been washed in a week...that is the new dirty glamour look...I'm not too much into that...I prefer the real thing - which is guys who don't give a shit about Tommy Hilfiger or Ralph Lauren, but are more concerned with Mike Modano or Jeremy Mayfield...also not to be confused with the REAL dirty men - unfortunately, I have dated a few of those. Those are the ones that do not bathe for days, do not wash their clothes, do not wash anything. The one I had in High School, omigod, what was I thinking? Actually, back to the X-Men, he looked a lot like Sabretooth - long, dirty blond hair, vacant empty eyes, meaner than a junkyard dog....anyway, real dirt is not sexy. The one I had in college, my god his apartment was a pit of despair. There were bugs in the wall, his bathroom needed to be condemned and the sheets only got changed about once a year. His hygiene wasn't as bad as my Sabretooth ex, but he could have tried a little harder. Come to think of it, he reminds me of the Toad - squishy, pasty and full of phlegm. He sure did have the emotional capacity of a toad. But the one I have now...of course, is not like that at all. He smells good and cleans our bathroom...and I bet Wolverine would too.

Back to the film, and I promise not another word about Wolverine. Cyclops was a fag and I suspect that Storm was retarded, though not as retarded as Sabretooth. I wanted to bitch slap Cyclops. He was such a pussy. Halle Berry should have used a different voice for Storm - she sounded like a Jamaican prostitute. I had mixed feelings about Rogue. She was kind of annoying, especially how she drifted in and out of that southern accent, but then I decided that I liked her, mostly because she had the coolest outfits.

Can I change my mind? I don't want to be Onatopp from (Goldeneye) when I grow up anymore - I want to be Jean Grey. For awhile, I wanted to be the wife from Lord of Illusions too. I also considered being the bitchy wife from The House on Haunted Hill or maybe that weird ass teacher from The Faculty....but now I think that I'll be Jean Grey when I grow up.

I was kind of bored with the whole Holocaust thing though. The parallels were way overdone.

I am actually looking forward to the next few X-Men movies, because of course, there will be more. I am even considering picking up a few comic books on the way home...

 

 

"You're a dick." - Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) to Cyclops (James Marsden)