X-Men: The Last Stand

May 17, 2007

My poor husband had to sit through yet another comic book movie with me bugging him about the storylines and characters and how close the movie was to the comics. To his credit, I think he only told me to “shut the fuck UP” twice.

Computer effects have come a long way since the first movie hit in 2000. Unfortunately, effects have not come far enough for the digital “facelifts” given to Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen to not look creepy and obvious. They should have just used makeup and duct tape – it would have looked more natural than the digital wrinkle reducer.

FINALLY, we get to see some hot Wolverine/Jean Grey action. Wolverine is a dumbass – he should have just boned her and THEN let her blow things up. As I’ve said in previous reviews, I really hate Cyclops, so I wasn’t sad at all to see him go. In fact, the movie gets an extra BOB just for killing him off. With Cyclops out of the way, Wolverine shouldn’t have had second thoughts about showing Jean his Admantium Meat Stick. I hate Hollywood.

Halle’s wig was a major improvement over the last two she’s worn. Her characterization, however, was still dry and boring. She should have taken off her nipple covers (my son’s term for bra) and showed us how she wins an Oscar.

I cannot look at Ben Foster without seeing greasy bi Russell from Six Feet Under. No amount of bleach and Eight Minute Abs will temper my hatred for Ben Foster. Angel was only in the film for about 10 minutes anyway – it was a total waste of expensive prosthetic wings. They could have left him on the cutting room floor, if not for the fact that it was his dad that backed the cure.

I can’t believe that Rogue gave up her powers, just to let Bobby the Iceman touch her where she pees. She should have just had the Leech hide in the closet while her and Bobby do the deed. His proximity would have removed her powers long enough for her to get some action without having to lose her powers permanently. If that’s too gross, they could hide in the Leech’s closet and get nasty while the kid is sleeping – he’d never be the wiser. Or maybe Rogue could dump boring Bobby and have sex with the Leech. Or Rogue could get involved with mutant with mental powers (Jean Grey???) so she could have sex without even touching. There are PLENTY of solutions to Rogue’s problem that don’t involve relinquishing her powers!

X-Men: The Last Stand wasn’t as big a turd as some of my friends say it was…but I will freely admit that it’s no where near as good as the first two. I imagine there must have been a sizable Fanboy backlash against the movie. I’m not even a comic book person, but I could tell that there where things about the film that just weren’t right, like the Rogue thing. On top of that, they left the ending open for a sequel. Please lord, don’t let them make a sequel. Or if they do make a sequel, please bring Bryan Singer back. Or at least send it straight to video where it belongs.