Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

December 1, 2007

Sick of watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I finally introduced my son to the psychedelic 70s version starring Gene Wilder and a bunch of green and orange midgets.

Needless to say, he was less than impressed. He actually paid attention during the beginning of the film, which to me is the most boring part. He sat through “Cheer Up, Charlie” which I usually never fail to fast forward through or mute. That song is the absolute low point of the whole film. By the time they actually got into the Factory, he had lost all interest and was wandering around the house. Oh well, I’ll just wait a couple of months and try again like I did with The Wizard of Oz.

I’m not really disappointed in his preference for Johnny Depp and a single Indian midget in tessellations as opposed to Gene Wilder and dozens of spray painted German midgets. Just because I like green and orange men in white overalls, doesn’t mean my offspring is genetically destined to like them…

The more I watch this version, the more I am convinced that Charlie Bucket is nothing but a fucking chump. Other than the fact that he returned the everlasting Gobstopper, he doesn’t have a single redeeming quality. Whiny little pussy. He doesn’t deserve a golden ticket, much less to be running the whole damn Chocolate Factory. Charlie and Grandpa should have gotten chopped up by the fan after they stole the Fizzy Lifting Drinks and Willy should have given the Chocolate Factory to Augustus Gloop. At least Augustus would have enjoyed the job…Charlie didn’t even seem to like chocolate. Augustus could have become a multi-millionaire selling Gloop Bars and Oompa Loompa flavored fudge, while having Veruca Salt and that gum chewing bitch as his concubines.