Van Helsing

May 13, 2004

Stephen Sommers should be stopped before he strikes again.

Why? I’ll tell you why. My husband and I were eating dinner before the movie and jokingly, I said that if there were pygmy vampires like the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns, I would scream right there in the theater. Well, I didn’t scream – I just groaned loudly instead. Yes, there were fucking PYGMY VAMPIRES. Goddamnit.

Words cannot express how much this movie sucked. I didn’t think it was possible for any movie to suck as much as The League of Extraordinary Shittiness – but Van Helsing is right there, neck and neck. I’d be hard pressed to say which one is worse – they both made me want to die. Maybe Richard Roxburgh should be put on temporary Hollywood probation – he was in both stinky films.

Hugh Jackman, I don’t love you anymore. I forgave you for Swordfish and Kate and Leopold. Hell, I even forgave you for Oklahoma! But this is the last straw. As transfixing as your vampire-hunting mullet was, I cannot be in love with you anymore – at least not until X-Men 3 comes out.

Hugh Jackman drifted in and out of his accent more than Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Kate Beckinsale was no better, but at least we know that the Avon Lady visits Transylvania. Girlfriend was wearing WAY too much eye liner. I had a hard time believing that Dracula would have one bride, much less three. He was queerer than a three dollar bill. The one performance that I did enjoy was Faramir as Carl, the horny friar. He was Van Helsing’s Q, except he got some poontang, unlike his Bondian counterpart.

I bet Stephen Sommers thought he was being really clever with all the little in-jokes and references to other movies. Oh yeah, that’s never been done before. The black and white opening sequence was just annoying. Yes I’ve seen the Indiana Jones movies – I get it! Oooh…look! Baby vampires hatch out of Gremlin pods – or were they Alien pods? Van Helsing turning into Were-Wolverine with admantium claws was just fu-freakin-hilarious! NOT! And were those Jawas working in Dracula’s laboratory? I know it was supposed to be campy and fun, but it was just forced and treacly. Van Helsing is the new Batman and Robin.

I could take the film’s nonsense in stride until the ending. OH. MY. GOD. I have never seen a gayer ending to a movie. Ever. It was the gayest gay that ever did gay. I usually admire a film that is brave enough to kill off one of the main characters…but why did they have to give it the Lion King ending? Why? After 132 minutes, the audience deserves better.

On the brighter side, I did get to see a teaser for Seed of Chucky and a trailer for Soul Plane – so I guess my $7.50 wasn’t totally wasted. Even so, do not watch this movie. Ever.