The Mummy Returns

May 16, 2001

I cannot remember the last time I was so disappointed in a film.

If it wasn’t for the special effects, this piece of mummified dog crap would have gotten no bobs. There was no plot, scratch that, what little plot there was totally contradicted the first film. Rick didn’t have any tattoos in the first film – but that’s nothing. If Evie was the reincarnated Princess, why didn’t The Mummy recognize her if the first film, huh? Why the fuck would he want to put his girlfriend in the body of her nemesis? Irony? Please. Why didn’t Evie remember anything of her previous life when she saw The Mummy the first time? Why did The Mummy bother bringing Anck-Su-Namun’s soul back into the body of her reincarnation – wasn’t her soul already there anyway? Where was Artis’ huge army of Medjai in the first film? They totally could have killed the Mummy in about 10 seconds!

Even more dissapointing – The Rock was only in the film for about 5 minutes. He didn’t even have any lines in english, he just screeched in Egyptian(?) like a bad Gladiator rip-off. When he came back to life at the end, he was totally CG – if they were gonna do that, why did they even bother to put him in the beginning of the film? They could have just done him with computers and saved a whole lot of money.

The Pygmy Mummies were gay, but they made me laugh. What’s next? Fetal Mummies? The Anubis Warrior Mummies were better than the Pygmies. I was pissed off that they couldn’t come up with anything better than the Mummy’s wall of water – it was exactly the same as the sand/airplane scene in the first film.

Even the previews were disapointing. Most of them were for stupid sequels – Scary Movie 2, Jurassic Park 3, Rush Hour 2…Final Fantasy looks cool though.

I think I’ll be renting The Scorpion King.