The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane

October 5, 2006

I can think of few things worse than getting molestered by Martin Sheen.

Apparently, Jodie Foster feels the same way, as she spends the entirety of the film trying to dodge his attentions. Jodie plays Rynn Jacobs, a 13 year old girl whose father is always in his study “working.” As people become curious about her situation, they unfortunately find that “curiosity killed the cat.”

The only distracting thing about the movie was Jodie’s ratty ass wig. She’s got beautiful blond hair – what’s the point of that scraggly ass weave? Was it so it would match the (obvious) body double for the nude scene?

Jodie Foster was never really a child, was she? She was always an adult trapped in a child’s body, whether literally (Freaky Friday) or figuratively (this movie and Taxi Driver). And although I really cannot stand some of her career choices – Contact is one of the top five worst movies EVER – I think I actually kind of like her. I like her choice to keep her personal life private. She’s also the only actress that I can think of that views acting as a 9-5 job and that she can leave at the door. She might possibly be the only actress on the planet without a narcissistic personality disorder. As a sidenote, I will shoot IN THE FACE, anyone who compares Jodie Foster with Lindsay Lohan. Freaky Friday is the ONLY similarity. Jodie Foster was at Yale at 20 – Miss Lohan feels that snorting strawberry flavored cocaine and humping studs like Wilmer Valderrama is much better way to spend her time. People cannot honestly believe there’s an Oscar in La Lohan’s future…the best she’ll be able to do is get an award for best macaroni artwork during her next stint in Rehab.

I feel like a total pretentious dick saying it, but movies in the 70s had a total different view of kids than they do today. A movie like this just couldn’t be made today. Sure, there have been a couple movies recently with killer kids, but they’re all from the puritanical Bad Seed/Omen model. They were killing because they were evil – not to survive like Rynn. And certainly none of these homicidal little bastards were sympathetic or liked listening to Chopin. And don’t even get me started on bizarre fundamentalist bent that Hollywood is taking here lately. We’ll never, ever, EVER see a film with a nude 13 year old again – even with a body double. On the bright side, maybe that will save us from an unnecessary remake of The Blue Lagoon.