The Avengers

September 3, 2012

Finally! I finally got to see The Avengers. It wasn’t how I wanted to see it – in 3D, but that hardly matters. Even under less than ideal circumstances – watching it on a six inch screen, while sitting on an airplane next to a sugared up four year old, ultimately taking 5 hours to finish the film – The Avengers still lived up to the hype.

While I enjoyed the action sequences, I enjoyed the scenes with the Avengers bitching at each other far more. Watching them fight each other was far more interesting than watching them fight Loki or those Kthulu-thingies on flying motorcycles. That’s what I liked about the X-Men movies as well. Big happy superhero families are boring – I want conflict!

The burning question I had about The Avengers was…Will this Hulk suck? More importantly, will this Bruce Banner – the 3rd one this decade – suck? As far as I know, I’ve never seen Mark Ruffalo act in anything, so I had no preconceived notions. He was acceptable, I guess. He’s no Edward Norton, but I didn’t totally hate his performance either. Joss Whedon DID get the Hulk right. They finally made him smaller and his movements were toned down quite a bit – he wasn’t hopping around like Spider-Man on crack like he was in the first film.

I’d heard that seeing Scarlett Johansson’s ass in 3D is a truly amazing experience. I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary about her ass on the tiny plane seat screen, although there were a few camera shots that seemed to linger a bit too long. What are Black Widow’s superpowers again? Being able to trick men into giving her information? That’s hardly noteworthy…that’s what women DO.

Still too much Gwyneth in this film. Maybe she dies in Iron Man 3?

Robin Sparkles! Cobie Smulders will always be Robin Sparkles, so matter how much ass she kicks working for Nick Fury.

I’ve always been a big Soundgarden fan – they were at my first concert ever, opening for Guns ‘N’ Roses. (I just severely aged myself, didn’t I?) In any case, every time I hear their Avengers theme song on the radio, I actually consider buying the soundtrack. As a rule, comic book movie soundtracks are a risky buy. The Crow has one of the best soundtracks to any film ever made – EVER, but it is the exception, not the rule…I checked out the track listing and saw Black Veil Brides, which scared me away. I really am too old for that shit.

I realize that I was probably the last person on earth to see The Avengers, but I’ll still be respectful about spoilers. I will not say how sad I was to see _____ _______ die. I won’t talk about how confused I was to find out _____ _____ and _______ are fucking. Neither of them seem to have much personality – maybe that’s why? What role does Robin Sparkles play in the coming films? Will she replace _____ _______? Or will she become __ ______? So many possibilities…

So now we have to wait until 2015 and watch at least three more individual sequels before getting the Avengers sequel. Fuuuuuuck.