Teenage Caveman

October 27, 2001

AHHHH!!! My eyes!!!!

This was one of the biggest pieces of crap that I have ever seen. I found out why when I checked the IMDb – it was directed by Larry Clark, director of Kids.

It starts off in a post-apoctalyptic society, where the weather has turned weird and people live in caves. The teens are not allowed to have sex or something like that – I wasn’t really paying attention. The ‘teenage caveman’ then stabs his father is the eye for trying to rape his girlfriend. The elders then crucify him…wait, did I say crucify, yeah, that’s what I said. His buddies then rescued him, I think – I don’t know, I was in the bathroom.

Anyway, the next thing you know, ‘teenage caveman’ and his friends are rescued from a storm by some crazy ravers. Crazy raver #1 is a reject from the Velvet Goldmine and crazy raver #2 is an Asian nympho. Asian Nympho is the worst actress that I have ever seen – even worse that the girl on Legend of the Chupacabra. She’s from Mesquite, Texas…what do you expect?

So now begins the 30 minute orgy. Seriously, they all get drunk, do coke and have an orgy…except ‘teenage caveman’ and his girlfriend. She refuses to have sex, she says, “I suck your dick – isn’t that enough?” Well, after the orgy, people start dying. As it turns out, the crazy ravers are really (nearly) immortal mutants that were created by scientists 100 years ago to survive whatever disaster befell Earth. And they can spread their viral mutation by having sex…although it has a tendency to make people explode. Oh, really now….

Blah blah blah….the crazy ravers also have the ability to shapeshift. So eventually, they fool ‘teenage caveman’ into having sex, so he is now immortal, but then all hell breaks loose…

This film made me want to die.