Stan Helsing

September 30, 2011

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It’s like a horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Not so fast…it’s not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that’s not Freddy, it’s Fweddy…and why is he wearing Flavor Flav’s clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that’s why.

Stan Helsing is loosely parodying Van Helsing, except Stan isn’t hunting vampires and werewolves – he’s hunting 80s horror movie characters. Stan works at Schlockbuster Video (like I did!) and on Halloween night, he is ordered to drop off some videos to the owner’s mother. Stan talks his best friend (SNL’s Kenan Thompson) into detouring to make the delivery while on the way to a Halloween party. That’s when things started to get fucked up.

I was expecting a comedy, but wasn’t expecting the full Scary Movie parody treatment. In fact, if it was made by the Producers of Scary Movie, why didn’t they just call it Scary Movie 5? Licensing maybe?

There was one scene that terrified me more than anything I’ve seen recently…the scene where the Stripper/Massage Therapist is stuck in a pipe and a mouse crawls all over her vagina. Yeah, she’s wearing underwear, but that thing was sniffing and scratching and poking everywhere…If Freddy, I mean Fweddy, was gonna give me nightmares, THAT’S what would send me over the edge – vermin in my vagina. (I wonder what would happen if I google “vermin in my vagina”? Let’s see what the first result is… Holy. Fucking. Shit.)

About half the film is really lame, especially the karaoke ending – but the other half is actually pretty funny. I’d rather watch Stan Helsing 100 times than have watch Van Helsing again just once.