Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

August 1, 2015

You know, if Mark Cuban ran for president, I’d probably vote for him. Sure, he’s as big a dick as Trump, but he hasn’t filed for bankruptcy half a dozen times. That being said, I’d probably vote for David Hasselhoff before any of the assholes we have running right now.

In the first movie, Sharknado attacked LA. In the second movie, Sharknado hit New York. In this one, Sharknado starts in Washington DC and makes its way down the East Coast to Florida. First Sharknado hits Daytona (in the middle of the Daytona 500), then destroys the shit out of Universal Studios, finally ending up in Cape Canaveral to hitch a ride on a space shuttle – Space Sharknado!

There was plenty of product placement in Sharknado 3 – Subway, Xfinity, Universal Studios, Total Wireless – but the oddest product placement was for Benefit “They’re Real!” Mascara. (Seriously, it’s like they KNOW I also run a Beauty Blog.) One of the characters even loaded Benefit Mascara into her Machine Gun and SHOT A FUCKING SHARK with it. Now I know what to do with all my extra mascara!

So, there’s such a ridiculous amount of celebrity and politician cameos, that I started keeping track: Bill Engvall, Anthony Weiner, Maria Menounos, Mark Cuban, Ann Coulter, Lou Ferrigno, Jackie Collins, Rick Fox, Grant Imihara, Rhonda Shear, Hoda & Kathie Lee, Chris Jericho, Michele Bachman, Screech, Holly Madison, Tuvok, Lorenzo Lamas, Joey Logano and some other NASCAR driver, Jerry Springer, George RR Martin, the TMZ guy, Kim Richards, Penn & Teller, Kendra Wilkinson, Michael Winslow, Ray J – and no telling how many I missed because I was rolling my eyes.

Shockingly, the third installment is the best one yet. Best, as in most ridiculous, most nonsensical, most stupid…it had us all laughing our asses off. It’s definitely no surprise that they already teased Sharknado 4, giving the audience the option to choose Tara Reid’s character’s fate. You can guess what I chose – DEATH!