One-Eyed Monster

October 7, 2009

I never thought I would see the day where I was reviewing a film starring Ron Jeremy’s penis.*

One-Eyed Monster is about exactly what you THINK it’s about – a killer penis. It’s not just any penis; it’s about one of THE most famous penises of all – Ron Jeremy’s penis. Ron stars as himself, an over-the-hill porn star out on location shooting his newest feature. While outside getting some air between takes, a strange light in the sky zaps his crotch and the whole thing goes downhill (or uphill, depending on your point of view) from there. Much like the King Missile song, Detachable Penis, Ron’s penis “goes rogue” and starts taking out cast and crew alike.

Like most horror movies, the filmmakers try to hold out suspense and not let you see the One-Eyed Monster until the end. We were rather disappointed when Ron Jr. did make his appearance. I was expecting a magnificent penis monster, like the one in Tromeo and Juliet, but instead, their special effects guy just headed down to the local sex shop and plunked down $50 for a big rubber dildo. It wasn’t even veiny!

The cast is composed of unknowns, with a few strange exceptions. The last time I saw Amber Benson was as Willow’s girlfriend on Buffy (not a big Buffy fan myself, but my husband was). Since her resume is longer than one paragraph, she gets to live to set up a sequel. Charles Napier is a veteran character actor that must operate on the same principles as Christopher Walken when it comes to choosing roles, which is to take every role offered, no matter what. I’ve got to admit though, his monologue on encountering similar pen-apocalypse in Vietnam was the best part of the film.

Ladies, I’ll leave you with a parting thought. Practice your kegels – you never know when superhuman vaginal strength will come in handy.

* I never said that I had never seen a film starring Ron Jeremy’s penis, merely that I had never reviewed one. Now that I think of it, Ron Jeremy has several films worth reviewing…John Bobbit Uncut is definitely a classic. Stay tuned….