Ninja Cheerleaders

August 6, 2009

77 minutes of my life that I will never get back again.

That’s right, this piece of shit runs a mercifully short 77 minutes, plus 5-6 minutes of slow running credits. It’s even shorter when you account for 10 second montages of ninja swords, boobs and pom poms between each scene. Actually, those headless boob montages are the only boobs you see in the whole film. Even though the titular Ninja Cheerleaders are also Strippers, they never get naked because they assert that they are “Go Go Dancers.” In fact, they are supposed to be so hot that they manage to win a $50,000 Stripping Contest without actually stripping. What. The. Fuck.

Mr. Sulu plays the girls’ Sensei/Strip Club Boss. He is obviously looking out for the girls’ best interests by putting his best students to work non-stripping so that they can all go to an Ivy League School. (They’re not in High School, though – they’re in condemned looking Junior College and I guess cheerleading for a Junior College Basketball team – Huh?) Eddie (sans The Cruisers) portrays the evil mob boss that kidnaps Mr. Sulu. He’s aged so badly that I didn’t even recognize him.

One of the Ninja Cheerleader Non-Stripping Go Go Dancers is portrayed by Trishelle Cannatella, skank of numerous reality shows. She is best remembered for letting Andy Dick slobber all over her and touch her naughty bits during her stint on The Surreal Life. She doesn’t have an issue getting naked on reality shows, but won’t get naked on a straight to cable movie. Maybe the other actresses objected on the grounds of disease control? Sexual contact with Andy Dick doesn’t leave a girl untainted.

The film is basically a blatant rip-off of Charlie’s Angels. Don’t waste your time on it. Unlike Zombie Strippers, the genius title just doesn’t deliver the goods. Also, please don’t confuse Ninja Cheerleaders with Cheerleader Ninjas (2002), because Cheerleader Ninjas is about an internet porn ring and costs 99 cents more on Amazon.