March 13, 2011
If you had asked me back in 6th grade who would win in a catfight, I totally would have picked Tiffany over Debbie Gibson. I never thought the day would actually come when I would get to SEE a Tiffany/Debbie Gibson catfight…complete with them smearing cake all over each other’s breasts…
The Asylum is back with another straight-to-SyFy original movie, this time spending their whole production budget on D-list stars – because it’s obvious that the budget dollars didn’t go into special effects. Debbie Gibson plays Nikki, a skeletal environmental terrorist who kidnaps pythons from a secret lab and releases them into a swamp. Tiffany plays Terry – a busty, hot-pants-wearing Park Ranger – who is really concerned about the giant mutant pythons killing the gators in her swamp. When Tiffany’s fiancΓ©e is eaten by a Python, she takes matters into her own hands when she feeds steroid-enhanced chickens to the local gator population, turning them into Gatoroids. As the Gatoroids breed, the pythons eat their steroid-laden eggs and the pythons become Mega Pythons. Confused yet?
The best part was when a Mega Python ate a Monkee in one swallow – think Samuel L. Jackson’s departure in Deep Blue Sea. The worst part was having to hear Debbie Gibson tell Tiffany, “I think we’re alone now.” Or possibly having to hear Tiffany sneer at Debbie Gibson, “Only in your dreams…”
As painful as it was to watch the bad acting by Tiff and Deb, it was not nearly as painful as having to listen to their respective contributions to the soundtrack. The songs were just…shit. If you don’t believe me, Tiff’s Serpentine and Deb’s Snake Charmer are both available in iTunes and Amazon…go ahead, I dare you.
Rating –
Runtime – 90 minutes
Genre – The Asylum
Director(s) – Mary Lambert
Writer(s) – Naomi L. Selfman
Actor(s) – Tiffany, Deborah Gibson, A Martinez, Kathryn Joosten, Kevin M. Horton
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "I think...we're alone now." - Nikki (Deborah Gibson)