Mega Piranha

May 10, 2010

I should’ve known that between The Soup and Web Soup, I’d already seen all the good parts of this film.

Speaking of one the best parts, the part when the piranha ass-kicker shoots a helicopter pilot in the face with a flare gun, oh yeah while the guy is FLYING the helicopter he’s in…I managed to allow my five year old son to watch that scene, because I was folding laundry and not paying attention. All he said was, “Did it hurt?” I am gonna win a parent of the year trophy, I know it!

Tiffany…remember her, from the 80s…is the pop culture cred star of the film. I’m not sure if this is a step up or down from Celebrity Fat Club, but it’s at least a paying job for her. I was always in the Tiffany camp, while my sister was firmly in the Debbie Gibson camp. In the end, they both ended up on the SyFy channel, there are no winners here. Tiffany plays a scientist that accidentally creates mutant piranhas that double in size every few hours. They can also breathe air, live in both fresh water and salt water, FUCKING FLY and grow several extra organs. She has no idea how this happened. Did I mention they can also withstand a 26 megaton nuclear blast, eat submarines, helicopters and hotels…plus, they are hermaphrodites. SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED. She can also power a helicopter with an oxygen tank.

In addition to Tiffany, Barry Williams and his weird toupee are onboard for laughs. If his character is named ‘Bob Grady,’ then why isn’t Tiffany’s character named ‘Fittany’?

I knew I recognized the main piranha ass-kicker, Paul Logan – he was in the old flophouse favorite, Night Calls, Part 2! He’s also in a film called Aliens on Crack, which I must see soon.

I’ve known about The Asylum for a while, but this is actually the first one of their films that I’ve sat down to watch. I’ve got to give them credit for picking up right where Roger Corman left off – they are excellent at beating Hollywood to market. What they lack in production values, plot and starpower, they make up for with the sheer BALLS to keep churning out shitty copies of blockbuster films. You know what? They’ve got something going for them. I wasted two hours of my life watching Mega Piranha, but I still haven’t seen Avatar yet. Suck it, Hollywood.