Darkness Falls

November 11, 2003

The Coinstar Tooth Fairy is scarier than the Tooth Fairy haunting Darkness Falls.

Yeah, I got tricked again. My husband flipped the TV onto this crap as he was serving me dinner. As I was protesting through a mouthful of flounder, he promised that we could change it to something else after we were done eating. Luckily, by the time we were finished eating, it was almost over…it was only an hour and fifteen minutes long! That’s right, seventy five minutes. So at least I only lost seventy five minutes of my life, seventy five boring minutes that I will never get back again!

This is possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Dead serious, not exaggerating. I guess the Powers-That-Be decided that since horror movies had been made about Santa Claus, why not take that other imaginary bastion of childhood profit – the Tooth Fairy – and make her evil and scary too. I guess that would be alright, if she was actually scary! In any case, Easter Bunny watch out, they’ll probably make a movie about you next.

This film also contains one of the worst lines of dialogue I have ever heard in a film. Young Caitlin says, “Your first time shouldn’t taste like blood. It should be sweet.” Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Of course, she is talking about her first kiss, having kissed young Kyle after he lost a tooth. Who would do such a thing? Who would kiss someone who they knew just lost a tooth and therefore had a mouthful of blood, and then bitch about it? What the fuck?

Another problem? PG-13. No nudity. The worst profanity uttered in the film? “I see you, bitch,” as the film’s hero sets the Tooth Fairy on fire. Maybe an ounce of blood is shown throughout the whole movie. The saddest part? The opening of this film was actually pushed back to make the Tooth Fairy scarier, since test audiences laughed at the original Tooth Fairy. The Powers-That-Be brought in Special FX God Stan Winston to give her a makeover. This is the best he could come up with?

Wasn’t this piece of shit #1 at the Box Office the weekend it opened? All those people gave their hard earned cash to be subjected to this bloodless piece of drivel. You know what, I feel really sorry for anyone who actually paid money to watch this in the theater. So sorry in fact, that I’ll cut them a deal. Mail me your ticket stub from going to see Darkness Falls in the theater and I personally will refund your money! Of course, I’ll be sending coupons from my Sunday Paper. What? You thought I was actually going to start handing out checks?