Bigfoot

October 28, 2012

I saw this movie so long ago, I don’t even know where to start. Alice Cooper gets killed by Bigfoot. That’s pretty much all you need to know about this movie to make you want to watch it. (That’s not a spoiler – it was in the commercial.)

Since Tiffany and Debbie Gibson smearing cake all over each other’s breasts proved to be a ratings winner, why not have Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off? That’s right, they get in a barfight after trading insults for an hour, most of the insults revolving around the fact that each of them fucked the other’s mother back in the 70s. (Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake in 30 years?)

Bruce Davison not only plays a Deputy, he also directed this turd. I guess it’s not any nuttier than starring in Willard. Howard Hesseman also has a role as the mayor – I used to LOVE Head of the Class.

Also of note, Sherilyn Fenn (Twin Peaks!) stars as the tough Sheriff. It would be unkind to say she hasn’t aged well…it’s just that she actually looks her age, unlike other actresses her age: Sarah Jessica Parker, Brooke Shields, Elizabeth Hurley, Diane Lane, Carrot Top. All were born in 1965 and it’s pretty obvious which ones have had a shit ton of cosmetic work and which ones haven’t. That being said, her eyes are still gorgeous and the most expressive part of her acting…as much as she can play along with the rest of the assholes chasing around Bigfoot.

The actual Bigfoot was fucking lame. Sometimes, he was 8 feet tall and then later, he would be 40 feet tall. At one point, he climbed up Mount Rushmore, like King Kong. I don’t remember how they actually killed him at the end, but it also killed Greg Brady and Danny Partridge. (If I actually thought there was a possibility that anyone I know would waste their time on this stinker, I would be more concerned about possibly revealing a spoiler. But come on, who really gives a shit how SyFy movies end?)