Batman

December 3, 2009

“Mommy, they sure do spend a lot of time together…”

Four years old son’s gaydar is already strong – I’m so proud! It only took about 15 minutes to come to the conclusion that something isn’t right about those two…and these are the ones without nipples on their costumes.

Regardless of their sexual orientation, my son was REALLY into the film, as I thought he would be. As a matter of fact, he immediately asked to watch it again when it was over, but I was a meany and deleted it to reserve precious DVR space.

Although entertaining enough for a four year old, Batman was hard for me to watch without cringing…but unlike Sgt. Pepper or Howard the Duck, Batman was actually popular back in the 60s. If you believe their memoirs, Adam West and Burt Ward got more pussy than Wilt Chamberlain. Can Michael Keaton or Val Kilmer or George Clooney or even Christian Bale make that claim? (I don’t doubt that George Clooney is drowning in pussy, but it’s a little known fact that most of his pussy comes from his Facts of Life fanbase.)

In addition to the questions about Batman and Robin’s powerful sexuality, many other question were raised – and answered. Why didn’t Cesar Romero shave off his mustache? It’s obvious that Batman was filmed over a drug and alcohol fuelled three day weekend, so he just didn’t bother, since he had to go back to his day job on Monday. What happened to Julie Newmar as Catwoman? Adam West gave her a scorching case of herpes, which made the catsuit unbearable, so they brought in Lee Meriwether until she scabbed over. Why didn’t Batman toss the cat in the water during the big submarine fight scene? Originally, the script called for ‘Pussy Fu’ – which involved heavy stunt work from Catwoman. After the herpes incident, the scene was rewritten, substituting a cat for Catwoman.

Now that I’ve answered all of the previously unanswerable questions, you can feel free to drag your kids along during your stroll along memory lane with Batman. You’ll both be laughing, albeit for totally different reasons.