The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

February 25, 2015

Even though it’s only February, I’m going to go ahead and call it – Sponge Out of Water is the most terrifying film of the year. Why? It has a fucking talking dolphin in it.

I fucking hate dolphins. They are the Bill Cosby of the ocean world, trying to lure unwitting swimmers into their underwater rape caves. Dolphins have NO business in a children’s film. It’s a small consolation that the hellspawn dolphin appears to have been voiced by Tim Curry, although I could be wrong.

Dolphin notwithstanding, Sponge Out of Water was a pretty cute film. My son picked it to go see for his 10th birthday. It was either Spongebob or Jupiter Ascending…I’m glad he chose the Sponge, because Jupiter Ascending looks boring.

I laughed my ass off when Bikini Bottom went all Road Warrior – Squidward in ass-less, er tentacle-less chaps! I also noticed a little Clockwork Orange fishy!

There was also a funny Shining moment. My kids laughed, but they had no idea what they were laughing at…

From the commercials, I was expecting more of the film to take place in the real world. I was bummed that only the last 20 minutes were in the real world – that was the best part! We did see it in 3D – at least the cartoony part was in 3D, too. My husband laughed at me when I reflexively ducked Spongebob’s bubbles. Ass.

I had no idea that Antonio Banderas was in it either. Even as a hairy, dirty, stinky, gross pirate…he’s still pretty hot. There’s something wrong with me, isn’t there?

The only thing that was missing was David Hasselhoff. I would have traded that fucking dolphin for a Hasselhoff in a second.