Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

July 7, 2014

A horror movie about bloodsucking fish…starring Shannen Doherty and Christopher Lloyd…made by The Asylum…on Animal Planet?

I know – I’m confused, too. Since when does Animal Planet show movies? Oh yeah…I forgot about Mermaids: The Body Found. Plus, they run a Puppy Super Bowl…it’s not like we’re talking about a bastion of hard-hitting journalism.

There’s quite a cast in this turd of a movie. Shannen Doherty plays the beleaguered mom role, married to the worst park ranger, husband and father ever – the guy from Baywatch: Hawaii. Christopher Lloyd is the mayor…yes THAT Christopher Lloyd. Scut Farkus is another park ranger, along with Mary Jane. (Another star from Nowhere – I love Rachel True.) I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the cameo by Mr. River Monster, Jeremy Wade. Not that these are BIG stars, but they’re beyond the usual quality. These movies must be a lot of fun to make, because I can’t imagine they are proud moments on anyone’s résumé.

The most important scene is the one in which the mayer – Christopher Lloyd – encounters lampreys in his toilet..while he’s sitting on the toilet. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out how the lampreys get out of the toilet. This brief scene makes the whole film worth it.

This excremental “horror” film actually scared my son. It bothered him enough that he asked to turn it off. (Even though he is beyond his nine years in many ways, he is thankfully still self-censoring crap that bothers him.) He would have loved the toilet scene, so I am sad that he missed it. We waited until he wasn’t around to finish watching it…with the six year old. She repeatedly kept asking if lampreys were real and we told her, “Yes…but they don’t do that.” I didn’t even bother googling it – they don’t crawl up people’s assholes, do they??? Did I lie to my daughter?