Just Friends

November 8, 2008

Anna Faris looks like a planarian.

Stop laughing! Stop. It. She does look like a planarian, it’s those goofy eyes. Now I’m not suggesting that if you cut her in half, she’ll regenerate into two Anna Faris-like creatures, but then again, what’s the harm is testing that theory? She’ll be no worse off than the character she played in May…

Anna Faris is really a small, but pivotal part of the film. She plays a Brittany Spears-like pop princess trying her hardest to get into Ryan Reynolds’ pants. (I can see her point.) Her problem is that she’s completely fucking insane – much like the real Spears. But this film was released in 2005, long before Spears was officially crazy. It’s like this film was a prophecy or something! How did they know that she would fucking dive off the deep end? Who would have even guessed that a former child star, turned MTV cash cow would end up addicted to prescription meds, batshit crazy with CPS on her tail?

Enough about Anna Faris, the film is really about Ryan Reynolds’ quest to get his high school crush out of “the friend zone.” The film’s got a very There’s Something About Mary vibe to it, except that Chris Brander is fat instead of Jewish. Oh yes, the fat suit. Ryan Reynolds covers up those vampire-killing abs with one of those stupid rubber fat suits. I’ll give him this – at least he’s not playing a fucking woman. If I have to sit through another commercial for Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence or John Travolta in drag, wearing a fucking fat suit, I’ll fucking move to Canada. Fuck. (Since becoming a mother, I sometimes find that holding in all my bad words makes my mouth constipated. I watch my language so much that when I have a chance to speak or write freely, the fucks just come pouring out uncontrollably, almost like when Cartman was pretending to have Tourette’s. Cock sucking monkey fuck balls.)

Although fairly entertaining with a lot of cringeworthy gross-out humor, it’s at least 30 minutes too long. (So I just checked the length of the film – 96 minutes. So sue me – it felt longer than The Lord of the Motherfucking Rings.)