Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

July 7, 2007

This is a stinky movie, full of stinky pirates, stinky villains and a stinky plot to boot.

The first one wasn’t a bad film. Making a movie out of a Disneyland attraction was a novel concept back then…before Haunted Mansion and The Country Bears. Johnny Depp was still best known for his role as Edward Scissorhands and did not have an Oscar nomination, Orlando Bloom was typecast as an elf and no one cared how skinny Keira Knightley was. The success of the first film irrevocably mandated that not one, but two sequels be made simultaneously and as quickly as possible. Pirate mania struck the nation and Disney had to cash in on it…well fuck Disney right in their ass. This movie made me unhappy and angry. It’s not that I can’t follow a convoluted plot – I understood Lost Highway, dammit – but it was just convoluted for the sake of making the movie longer. I could have done without the whole Captain Jack is King of the Natives part. It was just an excuse to put silly makeup on Johnny Depp – it didn’t add anything but the same tired cannibal jokes that haven’t been funny since Bugs Bunny did them.

Halfway through film, Elizabeth forgets that she is in love with Will and starts getting all horny for Captain Jack. This was basically the point in the film where I said, “Fuck it, this is stupid.” Of course, I would pick Johnny Depp over Orlando Bloom any day of the week – but in terms of character development – it didn’t make sense at all. I understand that she only made out with him to save the rest of the crew – but honestly, that would have worked just fine without her doubting herself with the compass.

Why is Davey Jones a squid? In fact, I assumed that the undead monkey’s name WAS Davey Jones – because really, isn’t a monkey named Davey Jones funnier than a squid named Davey Jones?

Soooooo long and soooooo boring, this movie could not end quickly enough. I will watch the sequel only for Keith Richards’ performance – not because I think I will enjoy it.