Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

September 4, 2006

Synopsis: Our two heroes are destined for greatness Рsomeday they will be remembered as the creators of modern civilization. A supervillain from the future creates evil robot versions of our heroes and sends them back in time to change the future. The robots kill our heroes, destroy their homes and attempt to rape and kill their fianc̩es. Only by outwitting Death himself, are our heroes able to escape the fires of hell and destroy the evil robots that threaten the future of civilization as we know it.

Sounds like an awesome (and possibly totally radical) movie, doesn’t it? Perhaps Terminator 2 meets Back to the Future meets The Seventh Seal? WELL IT’S NOT! It’s a fucking stupid ass shitty ass fucking lame movie called Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey and it’s one of the most retarded things I have ever seen on my TV. I need to give my DVR a bath now, because it’s permanently tainted!

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is a classic of 80s cinema. I remember going to see it in the theater and laughing my ass off. I still laugh my ass off when I watch it. Even the Saturday morning cartoon was decently entertaining. But what happened with the sequel? It took me 3-4 days to watch it, because I kept getting irritated that it was so retarded.

The Stations were by far the most retarded part of the movie. Did the filmmakers decide to use the leftover parts from Critters and Troll? Or were they entirely made from the castmembers’ poo? I really can’t tell. What the fuck were they supposed to be anyway? Scientists from Mars? Huh?

By and large, the best thing about the movie is the soundtrack – I’m a big Faith No More fan. But actual use of the soundtrack leaves something to be desired. I’m pretty much on the fence about KISS. They’ve got some great songs, like Lick it Up, but God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll to You is not only the worst KISS song every made – it’s one of the worst songs ever made, PERIOD. And only in an alternate universe could Bill and Ted beat Primus in a battle of the Bands, regardless of whether they were lip synching to KISS or not.

William Sadler as Death was the only funny part of the movie. The only times I remember laughing were at his lines – except for the scene where Bill and Ted expound upon the meaning of life in order to get into heaven – “Every rose has it’s thorn…”

No matter how cute floppy haired Keanu Reeves was 15 years ago (and it’s easy to forget these days, what with the bloat and spotty facial hair), it’s not worth sitting through Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, unless you also enjoy robot-making, hairy pieces of poo from Mars.