Texas Frightmare Massacre

June 14, 2011

How does Parrish Randall know what dog vagina tastes like?

I guess there are just some questions that I’ll never know the answer to…although, I bet I could ask my 3 year old, because she won’t stop letting the dog lick her open mouth, no matter how much I scream at her. I guess I could try screaming at the dog, I don’t know what is more futile – screaming at a three year old human or a three year old dog.

Speaking of possibly unanswerable questions, was this DVD worth $20? Of course, it wasn’t MY $20, but my friend, Amy, did shell out $20 at Texas Frightmare Weekend, perhaps persuaded by the promise of a free Beavis & Butthead DVD from the goody box. The Director, Joe Francis, was in attendance and quite persuasive as well. We actually stood around and chatted with, um…harassed him and the other stars for about 30 minutes, while we were figuring out if we were going to actually wait in line to see Robert Englund (we didn’t). They were tolerant of what we thought there should be more of in Horror Films…sex with clowns and ass-birthing of midgets, which we may or may not have offered to participate in. This was a fucking funny group of guys, so that played into the purchase, at least a little bit.

This fucking funny group of guys actually made a fucking funny movie. Yeah, it’s a horror film, too – but mostly, it’s a comedy. I prefer comedy horror to straight horror these days…why am I saying ‘these days’? I’ve ALWAYS preferred comedy horror, whether it’s intentional (TROMA or Cannibal! or Chucky or even the Leprechaun) or unintentional (whether they involve Dinocrocs, Chupacabras or Mongolian Death Worms, I’m not picky) – I want to laugh, goddamit! And laugh we did…although it’s quite possible that we had a little help while watching.

The film actually takes place and was filmed at Texas Frightmare Weekend. Having just attended for the first time, we got a kick out of the festival footage. The story focuses on a nerdy fanboy attending the convention and a couple of newly trained security guards trying to track down a serial killer that’s preying on attendees and celebrities alike. The first big laugh is the infomercial on becoming a Security Guard. (I wonder if that’s how my dad got into the security business? I don’t know if he was into blowjobs from dudes, but he DID have a killer fucking mustache.)

The Security Guards’ boss was the funniest character in the film. He was a wimpy looking guy, but the voice that came out of his mouth was pure Drill Instructor. In fact, I was waiting for him to die in a blaze of glory, ala Full Metal Jacket, but Lyle the Security Guard had other plans…Horsey? (What the fuck was that about, anyway?) My husband intended to go to bed early and not have to sit through our giggling shits, but the Drill Instructor Security Boss sucked him in. He sat and watched until the Security Boss got murdered, then crawled in bed. He thought that Amy got her money’s worth just for the Security Boss. When I went to bed, he actually asked me what happened – shocking!

I didn’t quite expect so much nudity. Seriously, where did they find this girl, willing to spend most of her screen time butt ass nekkid in a small independent film? Did she do it for free? Will she get residuals from the DVD sales? If not, she should totally get a check for $1 from the proceeds of Amy buying this DVD! I demand that she be compensated for letting squirrelly assholes hump her on film! I am also pretty sure I saw some cock. Not a rooster, a penis.

The horsehead mask reminded me of the Horse Head Bookends Killer.

Remember when I said that I fucking hate happy endings? I totally DO fucking love happy endings in horror movies. However, I am pretty sure that my definition of a happy ending is warped…I’m not even talking about hand jobs this time. I’m not gonna give away the ending this time, I promise!

So, did we get our money’s worth? Was this DVD worth $20 of Amy’s hard-earned money? The Beavis & Butthead DVD was worth at least $5. Another $1 is earmarked for the butt ass nekkid girl. $3.50 for breakfast that tastes like dog pussy. $4.20 for the Security Guard Infomercial. $1 for seeing a gameboy fall out of the fanboy’s backpack. $2 for the Security Boss’ crazy shit-talking. $3.99 for The Todd to go to Supercuts and fix his stupid shaved head with sideburns. Let me add this up…$20.69! Fuck! We owe Joe Francis 69 cents…I wonder if he’ll take an IOU?