Wrong Turn

June 22, 2004

Saturday night, flipping through the cable guide, trying to find something suitable to watch. After vacillating between Willard and Equilibrium, my husband passed by Wrong Turn. I stopped him and demanded that he go back and we read the description. He said that he didn’t think this would be the type of thing I would want to watch. I asked him how long he had known me and what part of “cannibalistic hillbillies” did he think I wouldn’t be interested in?

As it turns out, I actually wasn’t interested at all in these cannibalistic hillbillies. They were so damn boring. They didn’t really do anything but swing an ax and shoot some arrows. I’ve had scarier School Bus Drivers than those hillbillies. And what was up with the credit sequence? The credits where mainly composed of a montage of different “news” articles on inbreeding related psychosis and birth defects. Right…I see what they’re getting at – there’s a reason why these hillbillies are going nuts and killing campers. Well, the three hillbillies were male, with no female hillbillies in sight – so exactly how were they breeding at all, much less inbreeding?

This is possibly the least original horror movie to come out in the past decade…scratch that – ever!. It’s as if Deliverance and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre were entered into a computer and the mathematically precise result given was Wrong Turn. From the very moment all the characters were introduced, I could tell you exactly which two would be the survivors. Even the order in which the victims die was predictable. Of course, the potsmoking, blow job recipient (the kid from Air Bud!) has gotta die first. Then of course, the blow job giver. Wait a little while, then the brave guy risking his life to distract the killer dies. Next of course, is the annoying-as-hell whiny screaming girl – what a relief. Then the random-adult-authority figure, followed by the pyrotechnic demise of the killers. What, did I spoil it for you? I could have been talking about any of a hundred horror movies, you know.

Eliza Dushku – meh. As far as I could tell, she was the same character as Faith. Bitter and ass-kicking are usually traits that I find attractive, just not in her I guess. Her hair looked really great throughout the entire movie though.

There are many other fine movies out there about murderous hillbillies. This movie was not on par with Redneck Zombies…or even Mother’s Day – and don’t even mention Wrong Turn in the same sentence as The Hills Have Eyes. Even so, it is necessary viewing for anyone who enjoys cannibalistic hillbillies – what can I say, it reminds me of home.