The Queen of the Damned

February 25, 2002

Anyone remember taking the SAT and those stupid analogies? Try this one – Brandon Lee: The Crow = Aaliyah: ?

Aaliyah, pop music’s latest addition to the Air Crash Museum, resurrects this film destined to be Straight-to-Video to a Theater-near-You. A risky career move, but hey, it’s worked for so many pop stars…

Seriously though, I really don’t have all that much too say about this film. I went and saw it last night with my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend. We all walked out of the theater – and couldn’t think of a damn thing to say, good or bad. It left us all with no impression at all. Nothing. Me, of all people, was left speechless – not because it was awesome, not because it was putrid, but because it left absolutely no impression at all.

The most visually stimulating part of the film was the first video by The Vampire Lestat, done in the style of The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari. Nosferatu would have been the obvious choice – style points for the director for picking that one out! I personally would have picked something like Metropolis or Mad Love – no, not the one with Drew Barrymore!

Is it me, or was the bathtub scene a creepy homage to American Beauty?

At moments, Stuart Townsend looked eerily like Brandon Lee. At others, he looked like Jesus. His repeated pleadings for “More!” were an obvious echo of Claudia’s “More” in Interview with the Vampire – a nice touch, I thought. My one question though – would it have been too much too ask to have just bleached his hair?

The soundtrack was by far the best thing about the film. I was a little disappointed that the voice of Lestat was the guy from Korn. I’m not a big Korn fan – actually I’m not any kind of Korn fan, but the vocals were all right, I guess. I would have pictured Lestat’s voice to be a bit more like Maynard’s from Tool. Maynard’s voice is much more melodic and entrancing. The Queen of the Damned’s voice, however was not melodic and entrancing – she sounded like a sick drag queen – probably because her brother had to dub her lines after her death.

Armand looked like Marko from The Lost Boys. He was a closer Armand than Antonio Banderas – not nearly as sexy though. I was hoping that more would be done with the Ancients, but the character that I missed most though was Mekare. I kept expecting her to pop out the bushes, naked and angry. Speaking of naked – there wasn’t an utter second of nudity in the whole film – what the fuck?

Anne Rice fans are probably rioting outside the theaters about now. Don’t get me wrong, I went through my Anne Rice phase and I still read them as they come out in paperback, but I’m not one of those gothy vampire wannabes that creeps around New Orleans, looking for her house, waiting for her to go to the Piggily Wiggily for some ice cream. I would say that the film is about 50% with the book, 25% compatible re-writes and 25% utter bullshit. I tried to go into the theater with an open mind…I knew it wouldn’t be that good…but I was at the very least mildly entertained.