Jeepers Creepers

August 5, 2003

Instead of our regularly scheduled review, I’m presenting an exclusive interview with The Creeper himself!

Knobbygirl: “‘Jeepers, creepers, where’d you get those peepers?’ I’ll bet you get that a lot…where’d you get that nickname?”

Creeper: “Actually, funny story…you see, I can only eat every 23 years. You know, kind of like that book “It” by Stephen King. Wait, that was every 27 years…anyway, so I can only eat every 23 years – what a bummer, right?”

K: “Right…”

C: “Right, well…I get damn hungry! You can understand that, right? So I’m just minding my own business and these two kids show up at my house, see? They break in and get into my ‘House of Pain,’ er, pantry and start taking my food out of the package and messing with it! This gets me fuckin’ right pissed, you know?”

K: “Oh yeah, I used to have this roommate…”

C: “Exactly! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Anyway, they leave, shit, I am pissed as hell… I’m hungry as fuck, so I head on down to this little diner. Wouldn’t you know it, those two assholes are at the diner!”

K: “No way!”

C: “Seriously! So, I go check out their shitty ass car and of course, dumbasses that they are, it’s unlocked! So I decide to take a looksey – I mean, it’s only fair, they broke into my house, didn’t they? So all they have is a bunch of deliciously soiled, uh, I – their car is full of fucking dirty laundry! They don’t have shit worth stealing, not that I’d ever steal anything, mind you.”

K: “No, of course not…”

C: “So I leave, and I’m on my way home – my fuckin’ house is on fire! What the fuck, it MUST have been those two asshole kids! I turn right back around and there they are, coming right for me on the highway. With a police escort, no less. So I jump on that fuckin’ police car and tear the roof right off. I reach in a grab a pig and chop his head clean off. Funny as hell when it bounced off those kids’ hood. You should’ve seen the look on their faces…”

K: “Uhhhhhhhh…”

C: “Well, they screeched to a stop, so I figured…I had an audience, why the hell not? I picked up the cop’s head and started making out with it…you know how boring it is kissing a decapitated head? It’s like kissing…”

K: “Okay, well, I’ve got to be going…I have another interview in 10 minutes…It’s with the Leprechaun, I’d hate to keep him waiting…”

C: “Wait, I’m almost finished…”

K: “No, I’ve really got….”

Knobbygirl runs the fuck out of there – FAST.

C: “Wait a second…you smell so GOOOOOOD…”