The Hulk

July 1, 2003

At least I know I won’t have to sit through any sequels.

See, in order for Russ to take me with him to see the movie, I had to promise not to make a peep. Somehow, I bit my tongue through the whole sorry film. There was a lot of eye-rolling, to be sure, but I kept my mouth shut. Turns out it was pointless. Russ hated The Hulk just as much as I did!

And before you say it – the problem wasn’t with the CGI. The CGI was great, far better than what was shown in the commercials. The Hulk even looked a bit like Eric Banana. Well, at least more than Lou Ferrigno looked like Bill Bixby. He even had zits and freckles. The Hulk’s pants were a bit silly, but what are the odds of seeing a floppy green penis in a PG-13 flick? No, the problem wasn’t with the CGI.

The problem wasn’t with Jennifer Connelly either. She was genuinely likeable, if a bit frigid. Even so, as the film wore on, her presence became more and more disconcerting. In some scenes, she would be absolutely gorgeous, yet in others, she seemed rail thin and Ally McBeal-like. Her cheeks would vary in size between edits!

Although some people have complained about the storyboard-like edits in the film, I found them to be the most original part of the film. They hinted at the comic book feel of the film without becoming too obvious and showy. Nope, no problem there.

Nick Nolte is a scary freak, but what’s new about that? His character sucked, but he did the best with what the writers gave him. Josh Lucas makes an amazing villain. Please don’t ever let him make a movie with Reese Witherspoon again!

I can’t even narrow down what was so horrible about this film. I was gonna nail it on Eric Banal, but it really isn’t his fault either. Eric Barraka is a bit coneheaded and simpering, but having a bit of ugly usually makes a more interesting actor. Not in his case. I mean, he’s Australian! They’re all natural movie stars, aren’t they?

I don’t know why this movie sucked so much. I can’t tell you. All I can do is warn you to stay away from The Hulk. Stay away from Hulk Merchandising while you’re at it. Who the hell needs green Hershey’s syrup?