Dogma

December 12, 1999

Do you wanna know the best part of the film? The best part was found at the very end of the credits…”Jay and Silent Bob will return in Clerks 2: Hardly Clerkin’.” Now that is something to get excited about!

Dogma was exactly what I expected. Not better, not worse but exactly, on the nose what I was expecting. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I guess I am so used to the “askew-niverse,” that it would take an awful lot to throw me off. As usual, Jay and Silent Bob stole the show. Filthy mouthed, sex obsessed potheads – that’s my bag, baby! And believe it or not, I was not TOO annoyed by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. As much as I loathe Matt Damon, he worked as Loki. I can’t even remember why it is I don’t like him, it may be because he is short. I’ve always like Ben Affleck, but whenever he is around Matt Damon, I get this mental image of them fucking and it just messes me up. Turns me on a little bit, but mostly just pisses me off.

The one part that really disturbed me was on the bus, when Loki shot the adultering couple. That really shook me up for some reason. It’s not that I believe that God is going to smite me for going to the prom with a married guy or any of the other fucked up relationship things I have done – that’s just silly. I think it has more to do with the possibility of people knowing what’s in your heart just by looking at you without you even saying a word. Kind of like how, in Twin Peaks, Agent Cooper knew immediately about Sherriff Truman and Josie, then again about Ed and Norma…the idea that someone could detect intimacy between two people that are having an illicit relationship is terrifying – but thankfully, that only happens in movies. Real people are dumb.

Linda Fiorentino was pretty good, I haven’t really seen any of her other films though. Of course, Chris Rock was funny as hell. I am not sure I wanted to see him naked though. Alan Rickman was cool – he reminded me of a character in the book Good Omens (have you read it? no? you should!). Did anyone else notice how the angels all had hoods? Loki and Bartleby did and so did Alan Rickman. Weird. I was so happy with this film, that by the end of it, I didn’t even mind Alanis Morissette. Of course, it helped that she never opened her mouth.

So…I don’t know what all the fuss was about – this was not an anti-faith film – it was an anti-blind faith film. I think the Catholic League of Decency should go attack something else – like POKEMON! Now there is evil straight from HELL! So instead of bringing your brats to see the next big satanic Japanese marketing blitz, bring ’em to Dogma instead – your bank account will thank you!