Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

January 21, 2005

I honestly don’t know who’s worse – Corey Feldman or Vanessa Angel.

Don’t get me wrong – they both suck. A lot. I would be hard pressed to say who would win more in a sucking contest. On the one hand, there’s Corey Feldman. Anyone who saw him in the first season of The Surreal Life hates his fucking guts. He’s a little pretentious pussy who cries at the drop of the hat. (Not that crying makes you a pussy – Vince Neil cried too – and HE’S not a pussy.) He’s also very, very tiny. According to the IMDB, he’s 5’3. He doesn’t even come up to my tits! Also, he’s still the uglier half of ‘The Coreys.’ It’s never good to be the uglier half of ANYTHING. Feldman can’t act, can’t sing and seems to be incapable of grasping the fact that he’s a has-been. Maybe that’s starting to sink in a little bit, now that he’s been in this colossal piece of ass…

Vanessa Angel, on the other hand, probably has a good shot at winning a sucking contest, albeit a sucking contest of another kind. Her lips are now approximately the size of innertubes, which I assume is the result of some kind of cosmetic procedure. It’s either that or hemorrhoids. Seriously, girlfriend might want to start thinking about using Preparation H instead of lip gloss. In any case, her acting is worse that Feldman’s – but due to her inflated jugs, she’s been keeping herself pretty busy with shitty straight-to-Sci Fi Channel movies with titles like Sabretooth, Raging Sharks and Out for Blood. Oh yeah – she also has a spot on one of my least favorite shows ever – Stargate SG-1.

For now, we’re at an impasse – I’ll go on with the review and make up my mind a little later on…For the record, I’m not a scholar of the Full Moon oeuvre of pictures…I’ve seen a parts here and there, but I’ve never sat down and intentionally watched an entire Puppet Master or Demonic Toys movie from beginning to end. With that in mind, I cannot begin to comment on whether this film was a good, bad or indifferent addition to the series. I can tell you that this was a very, very shitty movie that made my eyes bleed.

Corey Feldman plays the middle-aged descendant of the original Puppet Master. Middle-aged? What the fuck? They didn’t even bother putting old age make-up on him. They made his hair a little bit gray and gave him glasses, that’s it. We weren’t even that lazy in High School Theatre…In any case, Feldman also has a “12 year-old” daughter, who looks about 20. Plus, there seemed to be some kind of sexual tension between them – GROSS! Vanessa Angel plays the daughter of the creator of the Demonic Toys – I think? She wants the Puppet Master’s puppets for her very own. Oh yeah, and she’s in league with a demon for reasons that are not entirely made clear. She also likes to put her receptionists in an Iron Maiden made out of plastic, lined with rubber spikes. Again, the reasons for this are unclear.

The Puppets are lame. The Demonic Toys are lame…except for the perverted baby doll – Baby Oopsy. Even though all he does is fart a lot and try to breastfeed with inappropriately sharp teeth, his tiny bit of comic relief is much appreciated.

Oh yeah – I forgot to mention – this is a Christmas film. Not that it matters, just thought I’d warn you.

Back to the sucking contest. Although Feldman delivered good performances in The Goonies, Stand by Me and The Lost Boys, that’s getting to be 20 years ago. Even so, all Vanessa Angel’s got is Kingpin. And she wasn’t even that good in Kingpin. But Angel does have one thing going for her – she’s hasn’t starred in a reality show for washed up celebrities – yet. (Much less gotten married on one – what was he thinking?) And as far as I know, she hasn’t embarked on a self-indulgent music career, nor has she named a child “Zen.” (Most pretentious. Baby name. EVER.) And although her lips appear to warrant a Hemorrhoidectomy, she still doesn’t quite manage to suck as much as Corey Feldman. Sorry Mouth – you win…or lose, depending on your point of view. The only thing that is certain – if you waste your time watching Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, you most definitely DO lose.