Terror Firmer

April 10, 2001

Vile. This is the vilest film I have ever seen.

So, of course, I liked it. I had been waiting to see it for a while. It never came out into the theaters in Dallas, I checked. It just came out on video/dvd in January, so I tried to order it from Amazon. Hopelessly back ordered. I ordered it from Digilot – back ordered. I even tried to order it from Troma – but their online store was broken – ASP errors everywhere. I finally broke down and got it off eBay – for about list price….and Saturday night, I watched it for the very first time….

Terror Firmer is the story of a film crew just trying to “make some art.” The director, played by Lloyd Kaufman (founder of Troma, father of Toxie), is blind and his 12 year old daughter (played by Kaufman’s real-life daughter, Charlotte) is mute. A serial killer terrorizes the set, hilarity ensues…average Troma fare? Nope, it’s weirder.

A woman gets de-fetused, a guy gets killed with a bong up the butt, another gets eaten by an escalator…and the killer is a little confused about his sexuality…and even worse, his favorite director is Speilberg. I don’t want to ruin the film for you by telling you too much about the killer, but if you’ve seen the trailer, it’s already ruined – it pretty much gives the film away.

Again, there are lots of cameos. Ron Jeremy makes an appearance, though his cock doesn’t…wait! It kind of does…eeewwwwwww! Lemmy is back as well…so are Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Lemme tell you, the dvd is loaded with extras – it’s a 2 disc set, with commentaries, deleted scenes, a making-of and a video game. I haven’t even gotten through the whole thing yet.

The film would have gotten a higher rating for the gore factor alone, but there were parts that were slow and just made no sense. It took a good half hour for the film to get going. The fore-shadowing was good, I even think I may have missed a few things. Maybe after a few viewings, who knows – I may change the rating.